day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad.
Okay, well, I don't listen to any song when I'm sad. Purposely? Why would one do that? But immediately right off the top of my head there is a song that makes me sad. A song for my Mom.
It's been a little over 4 years since she passed away and I still miss her so much. They say the pain gets easier as time goes by but I honestly don't feel it. My Mom was the most amazing person I have ever known. I know, I know, almost everyone says/thinks that about their Mom. But she really was. She raised 3 kids, on her own, with no help from anyone. My parents got divorced when I was 4 yrs old. My Dad never paid his child support. He would take us out for lunch/breakfast at McDonald's now and then. He was supposed to take us every weekend but that didn't happen. By the time I was 12 or 13 my Dad was like a ghost.
I couldn't fully appreciate as a child just how much my Mom did for us. Now that I am an adult, with kids of my own, I can really look back and I can see. She made so many sacrifices. She didn't date. She didn't really socialize, no girls nights out for her. She raised her kids. On top of that, she chose nursing as her profession. So, not only did she take care of us all the time, she also took care of post partum women at St. Margaret's Hospital.
My Mom had a hard life. At least I think she did. I often wonder if my Mom was happy with the way her life went. I know she loved the three of us. That has never been a question. But I wish I could ask her if she was happy. If she thinks her life was a good one. I don't know how to explain this. I look at my life right now and I am happy. Truly happy. Yes, we have some major struggles and we have been stuck in this rut for a very long time. But I have to believe it will turn around soon. Even with all of that we are SO blessed. There are so many good things. I have a husband that I adore (yes, he can be a pain in my ass sometimes but what man can't be?!). We have three beautiful, healthy, caring, loving children. We have a roof over our heads. We have food on the table. I have a great job. Things are rough but they could be so much worse. God has really blessed me and I am grateful every day. I haven't had to go through nearly as much as my Mom went through. It makes me sad to think that maybe she didn't feel blessed. But I'll never know because I never asked her. During the last 4 or 5 years of her life I can't imagine she was very happy with the way things turned out. She had moved to Colorado back in 1995. She met a man online and they got married. I'd like to think she was happy for a while. But things didn't turn out so well. I know she wasn't happy in CO. I know she stayed far longer than she wanted to. I think she was sad/afraid/upset that she'd have two failed marriages under her belt. But, she did move back. She moved back in early 2003 into a home John and I bought in Whitman in 2002 (with the help of his parents, again, blessed). I'm pretty sure she didn't want to have to move in with her daughter and new husband (we'd just gotten married in Sept 2001) but she did it. I like to think she was happy there. In our physical house. However, I don't think she was happy with how she had to live. She had health problems in CO. Far too long for me to get into now but when she came back to MA things just weren't the same. She was living on Social Security Disability. She couldn't work. She wasn't living on her own. Yet. But, she did get her own apartment and I know she loved it. She was still unhappy because she couldn't drive or get out and about on her own. That had to be a hard pill to swallow after being SO independant for most of her life. Now she had to rely on me to get things done for her, or take her to the bank, grocery store, hairdresser, etc. You get the gist. I wonder what she thought about at night. If I really allow myself to think about it I get so sad. I wish I could talk to her. I wish she was still here. After she passed away there were so many people that came to her wake. So many of her friends that pulled me aside and said how much she loved me, how much she talked about me. How proud she was. How much she would say I did for her. But do we ever listen to anyone else? I feel should have taken advantage of when she was here. I feel like I should have done more. I still feel guilt, wish things. I know it's not right, I shouldn't have. But that doesn't just wipe it away.
Shit. I'm way off track here. Talk about a tangent. I'm going to stop here. Too much to tell and this post is supposed to be about a song.
This song was played at my Mom's wake. The funeral home made a DVD that played on repeat throughout her wake. I still cannot listen to it without crying. This song absolutely, 1000% describes my mother and the way I felt about her. My Mother was absolutely and will always be, my hero.
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