Random Thoughts

Things that have been running through my head lately with all the new things and changes going on:

- filing for divorce is easier when you are NOT doing it amicably.
         WTF is up with that?!?!   Keep a good "working" relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-husband and get completely f*cked over by the system.  Holy mother of God this has been nothing but a pain in the ass.  I'm over it.  My divorce is currently sitting on an effin shelf right now because J and I both have to complete a "parenting course" before they will give us our court date.  I'm sorry, a what the WHAT now?!   I have to take a parenting course to tell me how to be a "good" ex during the divorce and to not talk badly about my ex.   Um, did you see the JOINTLY filing paper I submitted?  Our friends have said we should be the "poster children for divorce" because we are getting along better now than we have in over two years.  (yeah, that happened.....thanks guys LOL)   This is some serious bs I tell ya.  So, needless to say I registered us as fast as I could.  He's going this week and next week and I go the first week of July.  Christ on a cracker.  THEN when we get the completed certificates I can get the damn court date.  Well thankyouverymuch.  Seriously.  If I had gone and filed w out him - I would have my court date already.  Granted it would be over a year from now (my friends court date is FOURTEEN months away) so I guess I shouldn't complain, but still.  ANNOYING.

- I'm actually excited for all of the changes coming up.
          Not scared at all.  Which is amazing because this is some pretty MAJOR stuff happening.  I'm 38 years old, with 3 children and I'm starting all over again.  Who the hell would have thought it?!   Um, not I.  But it's happening.....and I can't wait to just get right down to it.  New house, new life.  Me and the three loves of my life.  My world revolves around these three little people.  Nothing else matters.  Everything I've been through in the last 7 yrs of my marriage no longer matters.  I get to wipe the slate clean.  I don't have to put up with anyone else's bullshit anymore.  I don't have to bury anything anymore.  Ignore.  Cry because I'm so unhappy.  Hide my feelings.  Pretend it's all okay.  Put on a front for people.  It's all over.  No regrets, just lessons learned.  

- I can't wait to find a new place to live.
          I get to downsize.  I get to have a house that is just for me and my littles.  Redecorate.  Set up how I want.  Run it the way I want.  Do what I want.  Let the kids set up the way they want - they are older now, they can have input.  We can do it together....that will help them feel like they are part of it.  It's exciting!  Change isn't always a bad thing.  I'm looking forward to it.

- Friends / who is there.
          It's so funny to me who has been there vs who hasn't been there through everything that has been going on over the last 6 mon or so.  I get text messages on the daily from people I would never expect from............keeping in touch, checking in on me, making sure I have plans when it's not my weekend or night with the kids, etc.  Then there are people I  never hear from that I would hear from daily before all of this.  Not complaining, just stating a fact.  It's okay, we're all busy.  It's just interesting who is there when you go through something major.  Happened last year when I had my surgery too.  

-  I am FAR too old for couch surfing.
          During this fabulous (insert heavy sarcasm here) time of transition I have been staying with my brother every other weekend.  OMG it's hell on earth.  I sleep on a couch and I am WAY too f*cking old for that shit.  I get NO sleep.  It's so uncomfortable.  I have to ask permission to come/go b/c they won't give me my own set of keys to the apartment.  (don't even get me started on that)   There is no food in the house so if they are gone I'm trapped for the day with nothing to eat.  If I leave, I'll be locked out until one of them comes home.  It sucks.  I've resorted to staying at a hotel on some nights just to avoid it.  That's the plan for my next weekend - I'm staying at a hotel on the Friday night b/c my last weekend was just SO bad.  They aren't getting along to boot so that just adds to the already shitty situation.  I can't wait to move on with the house so I can get my own place w the kids and I won't have to move out of my house every other weekend.  I can just STAY home.  

- Dating.
          Now, I will say this.........this TERRIFIES me.  OMG I can't even lie.  Thinking about it scares the ever loving shit out of me.  Let's be perfectly honest here.  I have been 100%, absolutely, completely fucked over by every.single.guy in my life starting with my own father.  How's that for a track record???  So putting myself out there and opening up to someone again?   Sooooo not something I'm going to want to do.   BUT, and this is where I'm sure people will judge and have opinions............b/c it's human nature and we ALL do it.............(I don't care what you say, you're doing it right now)........my marriage has been over for a LONG time.  We both admit that.   So I'm going to want to start dating.  Yep, it's going to happen.  I deserve to be happy too.  My kids make me happy, absolutely.  But when I'm not with them I'm going to want to date.  I will need adult interaction with more than just my girlfriends.  Gasp!  Yes, I said it.  It's going to happen.  But just because I said it doesn't mean it doesn't scare me.  I'm damaged goods.  How do I learn to trust again??

- Tattoo.
           Truly random.  I cannot WAIT for my next tattoo.  I've already picked it out already know where it's going.  I'm getting a lotus flower design on the left side of my body.  Lotus flowers stand for rebirth, starting over, overcoming hard times, etc.  Perfect for this next stage of my life.  I've thought about this next tattoo for months and I can't wait to get it done!

Think that's about all I've got for now.  Truly random thoughts for a Wednesday afternoon.

Still kicking...

Some days I wish I could kick something honestly.

I'm still here.  Surviving.  Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing.  Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected.  I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year.  I want to get past the hard stuff.  I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.  

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm over the past 7 years of my life.  I'm resentful.  But only in small fractions.  The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be.  Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move.  Let's just get this over with.  That's just how I am.   Don't get me wrong.  I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here.  This was supposed to be my forever.  It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing)  But there isn't any coming back from this for me.  Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.   

Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home.  The kids were at school.   He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over."   Even while we were in marriage counseling.  So, wait, what?!   I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?!   Are you effing kidding me right now?   And you admit this OUT LOUD to me?  Again, are you effing kidding me?   Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me.  He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't.  I can't fix that for him.  He has to do that on his own.  He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since.  Nothing has worked.  No matter how hard I tried.   That starts to wear on a person.  It started to make me think less of myself.  I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently.  So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value.  Now *I* need to work on myself as well.  He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life.  Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc.  Just I'm stable.  Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair.  That's not why you want to be with someone.  He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be.   I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore.  That's the truth.  I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are.  I told him that what's done is done.  That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever.  Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were.  I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again.  That's where I'm at.  You've finally kicked me away for the last time.  I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you.  I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this.   I will not let this be their example.  This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.    

I like to know that I'm appreciated.  I can't remember the last time I felt that.  Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do.  I am not a big lover of "things" at all.  My "love language" probably isn't like most people's.  I'm not a materialistic person.  You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me.  But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice.  Mother's Day and Christmas too.  I don't think that's asking too much.   But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years.  I can count on one hand.  It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas.   Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy.   (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own)  That just became par for the course.  He brought that up too.   I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John.  You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions.  There is no other way about it.  You had the option, you chose not to do anything.  End of.  That's just all there is to it.  No if's, and's or but's.  There is no point in trying to argue.  I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will.  I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it.   Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important.  Nothing changed.  But, it is what it is.  Again, everything happens for a reason.  

Anyway.  At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be.   I always have, I always will.   We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do.   So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay.   My top priority is my three babies.  They are all that matter to me right now.  As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.    

File under: S*%t I never thought would happen to me

I've decided 2015 is absolutely out to get me.  Just not in the cards to be my year I guess.  But, silver linings, I guess it can only get better from here.  

So, I'll just put it out there.  I am officially separated.  I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family.  If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked.  If you and I are very close you already know.  If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.  

The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now.  I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up.   He got a text message that made me feel...........off.  Or actually, his response to said text did.  I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone.  Never thought I needed to.  But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it.   There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code.  It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok.   But it was his reaction.  He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket.   Huh??  I let it go.  But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone.   And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach.   I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together.  I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email.   Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills.   Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years.   Awesome.  Texts at all hours of the day and night.  Phone calls.  Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face.  I was devastated.  I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days.  Lost sleep, lost weight.  I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass.  I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS.   He just looked at me like a deer in headlights.  I burst into tears.   He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about.  Says he doesn't remember.  Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend.  Bullshit.  That he didn't know how to have a female friend.  Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon.   Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger.  To the point where I can't even look at him anymore.   I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact.  He walked around in the same world he had always lived in.   I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done.  That I needed him to move out.   She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people.  That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me.  She was right.  She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits.  I said ok.  So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated.  I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable.  I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.  

So, he's been out for two weeks now.  The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday.  It was planned months ago.  It didn't feel any different for me because I was away.   This past weekend I had the kids.  He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them.  I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone.  I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids.  Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house.  I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave.  They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible.  I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend.  They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them.  I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.

Now comes the tough stuff.  I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life.  I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here.  Things haven't been right for so long.  That's a tough frigging pill to swallow.  For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do.  The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short.  End of.  

Holy shit, this is me!!!!!

A friend shared this on FB (where else would we find anything these days if it weren't for FB or Pinterest???) and it makes total sense to me!!  Absolute, 100% total sense.  I feel like someone captured me on paper and wrote me up in a nice, neat little list.  Clearly there are more facets to me - please - like I'm just that easy to write up.  But, seriously, this is me!

This… this is my soul song, people.

1.  You're not anti-social, you're selectively social.  

2. At any given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who are your entire life. You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.
(this part isn't completely true.  I do have groups of friends but not all that I see on the regular.  But maybe this isn't what they are saying??  Maybe they are talking about a person or a couple of people that I stick with day in and day out?  If that is the case  - YUP, STILL ME!)

3. Social gatherings that are supposed to be “rites of passage” like prom and dances and other such typical nonsense is just… not for you. You don’t understand it. You want nothing to do with it.

4. When you do choose to grace a party with your presence, you are the life of it. You’re dancing on the table and doing body shots until 3 a.m.

5. … You then retreat into three days of complete solitude to recover.

6. You go out of your way to avoid people, but when you inevitably have to interact with them, you make it seem like there’s nothing in the world you’d rather be doing.

7. Dating is weird, because you’re smiling and laughing and talkative at dinner, and then you don’t want to answer their texts for four days, because like, you just want to be left alone…

8. You’re accused of being flirty with everybody, which is hilarious, because in reality, you can only tolerate like four people.

9. You retain an air of mysteriousness about you, completely unintentionally. (There’s no mystery. You just feel no need to update the social sphere on what’s going on in your life every two hours.)

10. Not to mention the fact that you either have days in which you’re tweeting and status updating every five minutes… or you delete your accounts for a month.
(Hello, blog much? I'll go weeks at a time keeping up and then you won't hear from me for a month!  LOL)

11. You become unintentionally awkward because you at once feel the need to be a social life jacket for other people, though you’re just as uncomfortable yourself.

12. You’ve never really understood the whole “introvert vs. extrovert” dichotomy (can we call it that?) Because you’re… both…

13. You’re always thrown into the ringer because people think you’re best suited to be the one who gives the presentation, confronts the boss, gives the speech, etc. Meanwhile, you’re practically throwing up over the thought of it.

14. You ebb and flow between wanting to be noticed for your hard work, reveling in the attention and achievement you receive, to sinking and panicking over the thought of somebody else paying more than 30 seconds of attention to you.

15. The entirety of your being is a conundrum, so needless to say, indecisiveness is your Achilles’ Heel.

16. You’re at your happiest in places like coffee shops and cafés: surrounded by people, but still closed off and keeping to yourself.

17. You prefer to travel alone, but meet up with people once you’re there.

18. It’s taken you years to figure out that you’re shy. Literal years. And when you tell people, even your closest family members, that you’re “actually just shy” they pause, and then their eyes go big, and they go: “Oh my god you so are.”

More thievery from Pinterest

Love this, have to share!

I believe in pink.
I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day.
I believe in miracles.

- Audrey Hepburn

Obsession

I have one. A big one. I'm obsessed with a website called "Pinterest." I may need an intervention.

I just can't HELP it. It's SUCH a great site! I was trying to explain it eloquently to someone.
I said: "How to explain. It's crack. LOL. It's a website that lets you "pin" all kinds of things you like. Almost like when you are looking at a map and you stick in a pin.........kind of like that I guess. LMK if you want an invite, I'm sure I'm not doing it any justice lol."

Epic Fail. Seriously, worst description ever.

Then my girlfriend put it into perfect context.
She says: "Okay, better way to describe. Imagine you have a stack of mags and tear out all the pics, recipes, articles you want to return to later. You stick them on your fridge.

OR, imagine all your favorites were arranged neatly in their folders...only you got to see thumbnails of each one instead of having to click on each link."

Yeeeeeesssssssss! That is exactly it! And now I'm obsessed. I am on there every.single.day. I am constantly finding new things that I want to pin. Recipes, pretty pictures, outfits, funny saying, truthful sayings, places I want to travel, I could go on and on and on. It is just such a great website!

Granted, it's a time suck. I fully admit that. But, it's a guilty pleasure and I adore it.

You MUST check it out for yourselves!!!

For my "babies"

Yes, I know they aren't "babies" anymore but I'm a Mom and doesn't every mother think her children will always be her babies? Is it just me? I think not.

Another little ditty from the internet. So cute, so true, I'm hijacking and putting here. (although I'm changing the formatting a bit. They have some of the end words in caps and I just didn't get it.)

I Love You

I am your parent, you are my child,
I am your quiet place, you are my wild.

I am your calm face, you are my giggle,
I am your wait, you are my wiggle.

I am your dinner, you are my chocolate cake,
I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake.

I am your lullaby, you are my peek a boo,
I am your goodnight kiss, you are my I love you.

So. Sweet. Totally 100% on the money. It might even have brought tears to my eyes. When did I turn into such a sentimental schmuck anyway?

Oh Internet, how I love thee

I just stumbled upon this today. I am peeing in my pants cracking up right now. This is gospel. It's the truth. Read them, you know I'm right. Tell me you don't laugh at each and every one! Okay, well almost. Because, while some of them are truths, I truthfully didn't find myself cracking up like a lunatic at ALL of them. But I do LOVE these so I had to share. With all 3 people that read my blog. Wait, 3 might be a tad generous. Oy.

Truths for Mature Humans:

1. I think part of a best friends job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font. (I LOVE this one, totally agree!!!)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions at #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least "kind of" tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I really don't want to have to start my collection.........again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes I made to my ten-page technical report that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

14. "Do not Machine Wash or Tumble Dry" means I will not wash this. Ever.

15. I hate when I miss a call on the last ring (Hello? HELLO? @#%& it!), but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do when I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away??

16. I hate leaving my house feeling confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know NOT to answer when they call.

18. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet money on any given Friday or Saturday night that more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay.

19. I think that the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I wish Google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and realize that I had NO idea what the hell was going on the first time I saw it.

22. I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than make two trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I am trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What??" before you just smile and nod because you STILL don't understand a word they just said??

26. I love the sense of camaraderie one gets when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong Brothers and Sisters!!!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There is no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back just a little too far.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and STILL not know what time it is.

31. As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers. No matter what mode of transportation though I always had bicyclists.

32. Even under the most ideal of conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, their cell phone in a purse, pinning the tail on the donkey. But you can bet your ass that everyone can find and push that snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!!

Truth 30

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Oh my. Really? This is something my therapist (that I'm no longer seeing but that's another blog on it's own) wanted me to do.

For anyone who knows me - this is SO hard for me to do. I'm very critical of myself. I'm not good at being nice to myself. This is not going to be an easy one for me to do. I'm going to give it a whirl though. (in no particular order)

I love that I am a good wife and mother.
I love that I am honest. I do not lie. Not even to myself. I may turn a blind eye or be very critical but I am honest with myself.
I love that I am a good friend. (at least I think I am!) I am there for others when they need me, sometimes more than I should be, but they know they can count on me.
I love that I have birthed three wonderful children that are the light of my life.
I love that I married my best friend. I could not have picked a better husband / father.
I love that I am the kind of person people can and do count on. I think this speaks a lot about who I am.
I love that I am responsible.
I love that I have survived on my own since I was 17 yrs old.
I love that I was brave enough to go back to high school after dropping out and did not "settle" for getting a GED. I wanted a full on diploma and I got it!
I love that I am able to support my family.
I love that I was a good daughter to my mother and that I was always there for her.
I love that I am Type A! I love organization and being able to complete a task the way I wanted it to be. I'm sure it's annoying to some people but I love it!
I love that I can do my job and that I do it well.
I love my life.

That's it. That's all I can come up with. I don't even know if this is exactly what I was supposed to do but since it's how I understood it I guess it can't really be wrong.

Truth 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

You know what? I don't think I'd change anything really.

Sure, there are improvements I could make, if we are talking physical attributes, - hell - where do I start??? There are lots of things I'd fix.

Other than that? Nope. Nothing. I am who I am. Love me or leave me.

I'm honest, loyal, sarcastic, moody, shy, friendly, loud, obnoxious at times, sensitive, self conscious, forgiving, responsible, fun, witty (at least I like to think so) and I'm sure a few other things that people could mention. HA. But this is me. This is what you get. If you are in my life, you know me and (hopefully) love me. If not, that is okay too. Not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone has to get along. That is life. That is what makes this world the place that it is. I'm okay with all of that.

Truth 28

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, shoot. If I got pregnant now I'd have to call myself Mary.

It's impossible for me to get pregnant. I had to have a partial hysterectomy after Erynn was born.

However, if I wasn't damaged goods I would love to be pregnant again. I think John and I would have had one more baby.

Truth 27

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Everything. Things are tough but others have it much tougher.

I love my life.

Truth 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Absolutely not.

I've had days where I wish things would get easier, or turn around.

But I've never thought of giving up and I never will.

Truth 25

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Huh. Well, I can honestly say I've never done anything to put myself in any real danger. I can't think of any situation where I was in mortal danger.

I'm thinking my life has been pretty lame lol. I have no outlandish tales to tell.

Oh, wait. Actually. My Mom was pregnant before me. She lost that baby at 28 wks because she had an incompetant cervix. Why I think I am here for some reason? If he had been born I wouldn't have been. He was due in 1976. I was born on Dec 31, 1976. If he had lived it would have been impossible for my Mom to have been pregnant with me. So, I guess that makes me think that there is some reason that I was born and he didn't make it.

I think everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is.

I like to think I'm alive today for my husband and my children. They are my whole world.

Truth 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

These are just getting harder and harder! A playlist for someone? I have no idea. Not. A. Clue.

Who would I make a playlist for? I really can't think of anyone.

Fail. Again.

Truth 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Sometimes I wish I'd gone to college. I think that's about it.

I've done really well, even without a college education, but sometimes I wish I had gotten to live that phase of life. I was already a responsible "adult" at that point and college just wasn't in the cards for me.

Everything happens for a reason though, right?

Truth 22

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

There is really only ONE thing I wish I hadn't done in my life. Cheat. I cheated on a boyfriend. I had always been able to say I'd never cheated. I never planned on it. Things happen.

Little background, we were young. I think I was 22 years old. Could have even been 21. We were together off / on for 4 years or so.

Truth be told, we should have split up after the first year.

We fought all the time. I weighed 10 lbs (okay, okay 140) because I smoked more cigarettes than I ate food. It wasn't ALL horrible ALL the time. We did have some really really good times. But it wasn't all great either. When the bad outweighs the good, you should do something about it before things like this happen.

One night we were out at a bar / club with a whole big group of people. His friends, friends of mine from years back. We got into a fight. Shocker. But, this time, he LEFT me at the bar. I still had my friends there but he left me. I was so angry and way more than a little tipsy. I went to my friends house to hang out. My ex and I lived together and I wasn't ready to go home because I was just so damn angry. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with one of my friends. Bad decision. Awful. Terrible.

When my ex found out (from this skanky girl that knew me, the guy I slept with and one of my ex's friends. She was actually trying to hook up with said ex's friend and thought telling him that I cheated would help her cause. Um, are you kidding me???) I never tried to lie or cover it up. I was totally honest and came clean right then and there. We broke up (duh) but ended up getting back together again a while later. Yup, glutton for punishment over here.

Nothing makes what I did right, it was wrong, very wrong. But, I am a big believer that things happen for a reason. Things that make us who we are. But I hate having to admit that I cheated at all. I was very happy and proud to say that I never had.

Live and learn.

(to add insult to injury...........the sex was HORRIBLE. SO bad. That just made it so much worse - but I can laugh about it now, right??)

Truth 21

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I'm confused by this one. Is she going to be okay? I guess I will go on the assumption that she's in the hospital.

Who CARES about a fight? Honestly, it wouldn't even be a blip on my radar.

I'd be at the hospital as soon as I found out. She's my best friend and no matter what I'd be there.

Fights happen, that's life. It's how you move on after them that counts!

She's my best friend, there is no fight that could ever split us up. If you can communicate, you can work past it.

Truth 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Hmmmm. I can only speak for myself I guess. It's not my job to judge what anyone else does. I drink now and then. I like to go out with friends for a few drinks. I'm not really a home drinker. If we have a party or something, like our annual New Year's Eve bash, then I'll have a few drinks. But sitting at home on a weeknight or something, I don't drink. It usually just doesn't occur to me. I don't like to be drunk. I don't like the feeling.

Drugs - well, most people know I have tried marijuana. I don't have a problem with it. It's not for everyone, I know that. But, I'd rather get high than get drunk. No hangovers to deal with, no driving drunk. The worst side effect you get from pot is the orange fingers the next morning from all the Doritos you consumed to quell those munchies. I've never tried any other drug and I never would. They scare the absolute hell out of me.

Those are my thoughts.

Truth 19

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I think religion is interesting. I'd like to learn more about other religions.

I fully admit I am not a very good Catholic. I go to church for weddings and funerals. I'd like to get back to church as an adult and see it from a new perspective.

As a child my brother, sister and myself went to church every Saturday - 4:00 Mass - with my grandmother. As a child I did NOT pay attention. I admit this too.

So I'd like to see it from an adult perspective. I'd like to try different churches too - not just the one I grew up in.

I don't think much of politics. You will never hear me get all up in arms about politics because I really just don't follow. I don't have much to say here.