Oh heeeeeey!

Holy hell, where has the summer gone!  I cannot believe it's almost the end of August and my kids go back to school in two weeks.  I honestly have NEVER seen a summer go by this quickly before!  So lemme catch you up on the last two months.  I figure I'll go back over my random thoughts from my last blog post because it seems like the best place to go from.

- Divorce
Well, we were FINALLY able to officially file.  OMG what a frigging ordeal.  But J got his parenting classes done, then I had to wait a month for mine because they were all booked up in July.  I completed mine the second week of August and I drove my little ass (HA! Little!) right back to the courthouse to get those papers filed.  Aaaaand done!   We should have our court date in a week or so and it should be within a couple of months since we're filing amicably.   Yes, folks, we are still getting along just fine.  We've been to a couple of functions together and as ridiculous as it sounds, our friends have a harder time with it than we do.  Yes, seriously.  We're both like really?  Get over it.  We're getting divorced but if we're okay with it, then you need to be too.  Oy.

- Change
I'm still excited but I'm getting antsy.  I'm ready to just get this party, okay, maybe party isn't the best choice of words here...........next chapter shall we say?  I'm ready to get this next chapter started.  I want to be settled down and established with the kids.  I can't do that yet though and I'm getting frustrated.  Let's just say patience isn't one of my strongest virtues.

- House
The house hasn't sold yet.  Ugh.   The feedback is completely consistent:  "We looooooove the house........we just don't like the other house being so close."   Well, I knew that was going to be an issue.  We dropped the price down $10K, which I was totally okay with because I had the realtor price high anyway, and we're still getting plenty of activity on it.  Just have to wait for the right buyer.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's sooner rather than later.  It's very hard to look for a new place when you don't know how long it will be before you can move.  Ugh.

- Couch surfing
I am PROUD to say I am NO LONGER couch surfing!  Shortly after my last update that stopped.  The kids have been staying with J because that is going to be their regular routine so we started that.  I LOVE it!  I get to stay at home, in my own bed, with my own things.   I can sleep comfortably.  I have food.  I don't have to worry about coming and going.  I can do laundry for the house, I can do whatever I want.  No more packing a bag and moving out.  It is bliss.  So happy!!

- Dating
I am still not quite ready for dating but I did join a dating website.  Well, three technically.  One I deleted shortly after b/c it was a bunch of YOUNG 20-somethings consistently chatting me up and I just wasn't interested.  The second wasn't too bad but a couple of guys were being really inappropriate and I just got sick of it so I deleted there too.   The third I'm still deciding what to do.  J has joined a bunch of sites.  It's hysterical and I give him SUCH a hard time b/c he was putting his status as "divorced" LONG before I even filed the papers.  My status is still "separated" on my profile.  Men.  I haven't met ANYONE yet and I'm not sure when I will.  I'm just taking a peek and seeing how this all works I guess.

- The kids
They are still doing SO well.  They really are the lights of my life, without a doubt.
Ryan has officially started football and he is doing so well.  It's a huge commitment though and he is still adjusting.  The first few days were rough because it was all "conditioning" which is a really hard workout for hours on end to see who is going to hack it.  Of course he did. My tough little man.  He's going to have a great season.
Aidan and Erynn have both signed up for Soccer again this year.  They start next week.  All I have right now is what teams they are playing for.  Still waiting for emails from the coaches. We're going to be busy as hell but I wouldn't have it any other way.  
As long as my kiddos are happy, I am happy!

Random Thoughts

Things that have been running through my head lately with all the new things and changes going on:

- filing for divorce is easier when you are NOT doing it amicably.
         WTF is up with that?!?!   Keep a good "working" relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-husband and get completely f*cked over by the system.  Holy mother of God this has been nothing but a pain in the ass.  I'm over it.  My divorce is currently sitting on an effin shelf right now because J and I both have to complete a "parenting course" before they will give us our court date.  I'm sorry, a what the WHAT now?!   I have to take a parenting course to tell me how to be a "good" ex during the divorce and to not talk badly about my ex.   Um, did you see the JOINTLY filing paper I submitted?  Our friends have said we should be the "poster children for divorce" because we are getting along better now than we have in over two years.  (yeah, that happened.....thanks guys LOL)   This is some serious bs I tell ya.  So, needless to say I registered us as fast as I could.  He's going this week and next week and I go the first week of July.  Christ on a cracker.  THEN when we get the completed certificates I can get the damn court date.  Well thankyouverymuch.  Seriously.  If I had gone and filed w out him - I would have my court date already.  Granted it would be over a year from now (my friends court date is FOURTEEN months away) so I guess I shouldn't complain, but still.  ANNOYING.

- I'm actually excited for all of the changes coming up.
          Not scared at all.  Which is amazing because this is some pretty MAJOR stuff happening.  I'm 38 years old, with 3 children and I'm starting all over again.  Who the hell would have thought it?!   Um, not I.  But it's happening.....and I can't wait to just get right down to it.  New house, new life.  Me and the three loves of my life.  My world revolves around these three little people.  Nothing else matters.  Everything I've been through in the last 7 yrs of my marriage no longer matters.  I get to wipe the slate clean.  I don't have to put up with anyone else's bullshit anymore.  I don't have to bury anything anymore.  Ignore.  Cry because I'm so unhappy.  Hide my feelings.  Pretend it's all okay.  Put on a front for people.  It's all over.  No regrets, just lessons learned.  

- I can't wait to find a new place to live.
          I get to downsize.  I get to have a house that is just for me and my littles.  Redecorate.  Set up how I want.  Run it the way I want.  Do what I want.  Let the kids set up the way they want - they are older now, they can have input.  We can do it together....that will help them feel like they are part of it.  It's exciting!  Change isn't always a bad thing.  I'm looking forward to it.

- Friends / who is there.
          It's so funny to me who has been there vs who hasn't been there through everything that has been going on over the last 6 mon or so.  I get text messages on the daily from people I would never expect from............keeping in touch, checking in on me, making sure I have plans when it's not my weekend or night with the kids, etc.  Then there are people I  never hear from that I would hear from daily before all of this.  Not complaining, just stating a fact.  It's okay, we're all busy.  It's just interesting who is there when you go through something major.  Happened last year when I had my surgery too.  

-  I am FAR too old for couch surfing.
          During this fabulous (insert heavy sarcasm here) time of transition I have been staying with my brother every other weekend.  OMG it's hell on earth.  I sleep on a couch and I am WAY too f*cking old for that shit.  I get NO sleep.  It's so uncomfortable.  I have to ask permission to come/go b/c they won't give me my own set of keys to the apartment.  (don't even get me started on that)   There is no food in the house so if they are gone I'm trapped for the day with nothing to eat.  If I leave, I'll be locked out until one of them comes home.  It sucks.  I've resorted to staying at a hotel on some nights just to avoid it.  That's the plan for my next weekend - I'm staying at a hotel on the Friday night b/c my last weekend was just SO bad.  They aren't getting along to boot so that just adds to the already shitty situation.  I can't wait to move on with the house so I can get my own place w the kids and I won't have to move out of my house every other weekend.  I can just STAY home.  

- Dating.
          Now, I will say this.........this TERRIFIES me.  OMG I can't even lie.  Thinking about it scares the ever loving shit out of me.  Let's be perfectly honest here.  I have been 100%, absolutely, completely fucked over by every.single.guy in my life starting with my own father.  How's that for a track record???  So putting myself out there and opening up to someone again?   Sooooo not something I'm going to want to do.   BUT, and this is where I'm sure people will judge and have opinions............b/c it's human nature and we ALL do it.............(I don't care what you say, you're doing it right now)........my marriage has been over for a LONG time.  We both admit that.   So I'm going to want to start dating.  Yep, it's going to happen.  I deserve to be happy too.  My kids make me happy, absolutely.  But when I'm not with them I'm going to want to date.  I will need adult interaction with more than just my girlfriends.  Gasp!  Yes, I said it.  It's going to happen.  But just because I said it doesn't mean it doesn't scare me.  I'm damaged goods.  How do I learn to trust again??

- Tattoo.
           Truly random.  I cannot WAIT for my next tattoo.  I've already picked it out already know where it's going.  I'm getting a lotus flower design on the left side of my body.  Lotus flowers stand for rebirth, starting over, overcoming hard times, etc.  Perfect for this next stage of my life.  I've thought about this next tattoo for months and I can't wait to get it done!

Think that's about all I've got for now.  Truly random thoughts for a Wednesday afternoon.

Next steps............let's keep it moving

In true Christine fashion, I have to have a plan.  I know you will be shocked by this.  (in true Christine fashion that statement is loaded with sarcasm.)  Once I make up my mind, I need to get my ducks in a row, figure out what I'm doing and just get on with it.  That's just how I am.  I'm not one to sit and wallow......that's just not my style.  Never has been.  I figure it out, I accept, I move on with a plan.

So that is what I have done.  I told John I want a divorce.  We talked it out and I will honestly say it's probably the best talk we've had since we split up.  We're both on the same page, must stay amicable, want to remain friends, co-parent the kids.  Both on same page about selling the house.  I have a realtor coming on Friday to look at it.  I told him he should keep the boat - his Dad bought it for him, I've never had anything to do with it and I would never try to take it.  He'll buy me out of the camper - I can't tow it anyway and we still want the kids to be able to go camping.  He said he'll still tow it for me on my weekends with the kids.  I said we'll play it by ear.  I'm fine going back to tent camping.  I told him that right now he's not thinking about it but eventually he'll find someone he wants to date, be with, whatever and I'm not so sure she'll be cool with him towing a camper for his ex-wife all the time.  He, of course, didn't want to hear it but I told him he needs to be realistic.  He's too young to be alone for the rest of his life.  

I'll look for another house/condo/townhouse to live with the kids.  3 bedroom is all I care about.  I don't need a huge house, just something big enough for the four of us.  I told him  no offense, I just don't want to live near where we are now.  He said I don't blame you one bit.  (not with him, his Dad and his sister living right there.......noooooo thank you)  So hopefully I can find something that works for us that I love.  And on the other side of town.  I know everything happens for a reason so I'll just go with it.  I was talking to a friend about my house and he is convinced it's going to sell quickly.  I'm not so sure but I'm just going to let it all play out however it's meant to.  

We're getting separate bank accounts, separate cell phones, separate insurance.  House and my car will be on mine......truck and camper will be on his.  Win/win, we'll both still get multi-package discounts.  John will still give me money towards house bills every month until the house sells. 

I'm filing as soon as I have the money to give to the court.  We haven't told the kids yet.  I don't think we need to rush to do that.  But, when we do, they will at least be used to what is going on.  Things will pretty much stay the same other than us moving.  And they will be a little used to that idea because John and I had already talked about selling the house and moving last year when some other stuff had come up.  Other than that, things won't change much from what they are now.  He will still come in the morning........he'll just take them back to his house rather than stay wherever I'm living.  I'll come pick them up in the afternoon.  Schedule will stay the same........dinner w him on Tuesdays and every other weekend.  We'll still be in Abington so they'll still go to same schools, have same friends.   So the separation has prepared them a bit.  

I think that's about it.  I could be forgetting things.  I won't pretend this isn't overwhelming.  It is.  But I feel like if I have things planned out, steps laid out, I can just push through it.  I know we're going to be okay.  But the next few months, until we all get settled into our new lives...........that's going to be interesting.......to say the least.  

Still kicking...

Some days I wish I could kick something honestly.

I'm still here.  Surviving.  Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing.  Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected.  I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year.  I want to get past the hard stuff.  I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.  

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm over the past 7 years of my life.  I'm resentful.  But only in small fractions.  The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be.  Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move.  Let's just get this over with.  That's just how I am.   Don't get me wrong.  I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here.  This was supposed to be my forever.  It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing)  But there isn't any coming back from this for me.  Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.   

Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home.  The kids were at school.   He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over."   Even while we were in marriage counseling.  So, wait, what?!   I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?!   Are you effing kidding me right now?   And you admit this OUT LOUD to me?  Again, are you effing kidding me?   Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me.  He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't.  I can't fix that for him.  He has to do that on his own.  He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since.  Nothing has worked.  No matter how hard I tried.   That starts to wear on a person.  It started to make me think less of myself.  I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently.  So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value.  Now *I* need to work on myself as well.  He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life.  Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc.  Just I'm stable.  Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair.  That's not why you want to be with someone.  He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be.   I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore.  That's the truth.  I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are.  I told him that what's done is done.  That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever.  Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were.  I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again.  That's where I'm at.  You've finally kicked me away for the last time.  I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you.  I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this.   I will not let this be their example.  This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.    

I like to know that I'm appreciated.  I can't remember the last time I felt that.  Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do.  I am not a big lover of "things" at all.  My "love language" probably isn't like most people's.  I'm not a materialistic person.  You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me.  But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice.  Mother's Day and Christmas too.  I don't think that's asking too much.   But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years.  I can count on one hand.  It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas.   Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy.   (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own)  That just became par for the course.  He brought that up too.   I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John.  You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions.  There is no other way about it.  You had the option, you chose not to do anything.  End of.  That's just all there is to it.  No if's, and's or but's.  There is no point in trying to argue.  I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will.  I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it.   Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important.  Nothing changed.  But, it is what it is.  Again, everything happens for a reason.  

Anyway.  At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be.   I always have, I always will.   We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do.   So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay.   My top priority is my three babies.  They are all that matter to me right now.  As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.