Things that have been running through my head lately with all the new things and changes going on:
- filing for divorce is easier when you are NOT doing it amicably.
WTF is up with that?!?! Keep a good "working" relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-husband and get completely f*cked over by the system. Holy mother of God this has been nothing but a pain in the ass. I'm over it. My divorce is currently sitting on an effin shelf right now because J and I both have to complete a "parenting course" before they will give us our court date. I'm sorry, a what the WHAT now?! I have to take a parenting course to tell me how to be a "good" ex during the divorce and to not talk badly about my ex. Um, did you see the JOINTLY filing paper I submitted? Our friends have said we should be the "poster children for divorce" because we are getting along better now than we have in over two years. (yeah, that happened.....thanks guys LOL) This is some serious bs I tell ya. So, needless to say I registered us as fast as I could. He's going this week and next week and I go the first week of July. Christ on a cracker. THEN when we get the completed certificates I can get the damn court date. Well thankyouverymuch. Seriously. If I had gone and filed w out him - I would have my court date already. Granted it would be over a year from now (my friends court date is FOURTEEN months away) so I guess I shouldn't complain, but still. ANNOYING.
- I'm actually excited for all of the changes coming up.
Not scared at all. Which is amazing because this is some pretty MAJOR stuff happening. I'm 38 years old, with 3 children and I'm starting all over again. Who the hell would have thought it?! Um, not I. But it's happening.....and I can't wait to just get right down to it. New house, new life. Me and the three loves of my life. My world revolves around these three little people. Nothing else matters. Everything I've been through in the last 7 yrs of my marriage no longer matters. I get to wipe the slate clean. I don't have to put up with anyone else's bullshit anymore. I don't have to bury anything anymore. Ignore. Cry because I'm so unhappy. Hide my feelings. Pretend it's all okay. Put on a front for people. It's all over. No regrets, just lessons learned.
- I can't wait to find a new place to live.
I get to downsize. I get to have a house that is just for me and my littles. Redecorate. Set up how I want. Run it the way I want. Do what I want. Let the kids set up the way they want - they are older now, they can have input. We can do it together....that will help them feel like they are part of it. It's exciting! Change isn't always a bad thing. I'm looking forward to it.
- Friends / who is there.
It's so funny to me who has been there vs who hasn't been there through everything that has been going on over the last 6 mon or so. I get text messages on the daily from people I would never expect from............keeping in touch, checking in on me, making sure I have plans when it's not my weekend or night with the kids, etc. Then there are people I never hear from that I would hear from daily before all of this. Not complaining, just stating a fact. It's okay, we're all busy. It's just interesting who is there when you go through something major. Happened last year when I had my surgery too.
- I am FAR too old for couch surfing.
During this fabulous (insert heavy sarcasm here) time of transition I have been staying with my brother every other weekend. OMG it's hell on earth. I sleep on a couch and I am WAY too f*cking old for that shit. I get NO sleep. It's so uncomfortable. I have to ask permission to come/go b/c they won't give me my own set of keys to the apartment. (don't even get me started on that) There is no food in the house so if they are gone I'm trapped for the day with nothing to eat. If I leave, I'll be locked out until one of them comes home. It sucks. I've resorted to staying at a hotel on some nights just to avoid it. That's the plan for my next weekend - I'm staying at a hotel on the Friday night b/c my last weekend was just SO bad. They aren't getting along to boot so that just adds to the already shitty situation. I can't wait to move on with the house so I can get my own place w the kids and I won't have to move out of my house every other weekend. I can just STAY home.
- Dating.
Now, I will say this.........this TERRIFIES me. OMG I can't even lie. Thinking about it scares the ever loving shit out of me. Let's be perfectly honest here. I have been 100%, absolutely, completely fucked over by every.single.guy in my life starting with my own father. How's that for a track record??? So putting myself out there and opening up to someone again? Sooooo not something I'm going to want to do. BUT, and this is where I'm sure people will judge and have opinions............b/c it's human nature and we ALL do it.............(I don't care what you say, you're doing it right now)........my marriage has been over for a LONG time. We both admit that. So I'm going to want to start dating. Yep, it's going to happen. I deserve to be happy too. My kids make me happy, absolutely. But when I'm not with them I'm going to want to date. I will need adult interaction with more than just my girlfriends. Gasp! Yes, I said it. It's going to happen. But just because I said it doesn't mean it doesn't scare me. I'm damaged goods. How do I learn to trust again??
- Tattoo.
Truly random. I cannot WAIT for my next tattoo. I've already picked it out already know where it's going. I'm getting a lotus flower design on the left side of my body. Lotus flowers stand for rebirth, starting over, overcoming hard times, etc. Perfect for this next stage of my life. I've thought about this next tattoo for months and I can't wait to get it done!
Think that's about all I've got for now. Truly random thoughts for a Wednesday afternoon.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Next steps............let's keep it moving
In true Christine fashion, I have to have a plan. I know you will be shocked by this. (in true Christine fashion that statement is loaded with sarcasm.) Once I make up my mind, I need to get my ducks in a row, figure out what I'm doing and just get on with it. That's just how I am. I'm not one to sit and wallow......that's just not my style. Never has been. I figure it out, I accept, I move on with a plan.
So that is what I have done. I told John I want a divorce. We talked it out and I will honestly say it's probably the best talk we've had since we split up. We're both on the same page, must stay amicable, want to remain friends, co-parent the kids. Both on same page about selling the house. I have a realtor coming on Friday to look at it. I told him he should keep the boat - his Dad bought it for him, I've never had anything to do with it and I would never try to take it. He'll buy me out of the camper - I can't tow it anyway and we still want the kids to be able to go camping. He said he'll still tow it for me on my weekends with the kids. I said we'll play it by ear. I'm fine going back to tent camping. I told him that right now he's not thinking about it but eventually he'll find someone he wants to date, be with, whatever and I'm not so sure she'll be cool with him towing a camper for his ex-wife all the time. He, of course, didn't want to hear it but I told him he needs to be realistic. He's too young to be alone for the rest of his life.
I'll look for another house/condo/townhouse to live with the kids. 3 bedroom is all I care about. I don't need a huge house, just something big enough for the four of us. I told him no offense, I just don't want to live near where we are now. He said I don't blame you one bit. (not with him, his Dad and his sister living right there.......noooooo thank you) So hopefully I can find something that works for us that I love. And on the other side of town. I know everything happens for a reason so I'll just go with it. I was talking to a friend about my house and he is convinced it's going to sell quickly. I'm not so sure but I'm just going to let it all play out however it's meant to.
We're getting separate bank accounts, separate cell phones, separate insurance. House and my car will be on mine......truck and camper will be on his. Win/win, we'll both still get multi-package discounts. John will still give me money towards house bills every month until the house sells.
I'm filing as soon as I have the money to give to the court. We haven't told the kids yet. I don't think we need to rush to do that. But, when we do, they will at least be used to what is going on. Things will pretty much stay the same other than us moving. And they will be a little used to that idea because John and I had already talked about selling the house and moving last year when some other stuff had come up. Other than that, things won't change much from what they are now. He will still come in the morning........he'll just take them back to his house rather than stay wherever I'm living. I'll come pick them up in the afternoon. Schedule will stay the same........dinner w him on Tuesdays and every other weekend. We'll still be in Abington so they'll still go to same schools, have same friends. So the separation has prepared them a bit.
I think that's about it. I could be forgetting things. I won't pretend this isn't overwhelming. It is. But I feel like if I have things planned out, steps laid out, I can just push through it. I know we're going to be okay. But the next few months, until we all get settled into our new lives...........that's going to be interesting.......to say the least.
So that is what I have done. I told John I want a divorce. We talked it out and I will honestly say it's probably the best talk we've had since we split up. We're both on the same page, must stay amicable, want to remain friends, co-parent the kids. Both on same page about selling the house. I have a realtor coming on Friday to look at it. I told him he should keep the boat - his Dad bought it for him, I've never had anything to do with it and I would never try to take it. He'll buy me out of the camper - I can't tow it anyway and we still want the kids to be able to go camping. He said he'll still tow it for me on my weekends with the kids. I said we'll play it by ear. I'm fine going back to tent camping. I told him that right now he's not thinking about it but eventually he'll find someone he wants to date, be with, whatever and I'm not so sure she'll be cool with him towing a camper for his ex-wife all the time. He, of course, didn't want to hear it but I told him he needs to be realistic. He's too young to be alone for the rest of his life.
I'll look for another house/condo/townhouse to live with the kids. 3 bedroom is all I care about. I don't need a huge house, just something big enough for the four of us. I told him no offense, I just don't want to live near where we are now. He said I don't blame you one bit. (not with him, his Dad and his sister living right there.......noooooo thank you) So hopefully I can find something that works for us that I love. And on the other side of town. I know everything happens for a reason so I'll just go with it. I was talking to a friend about my house and he is convinced it's going to sell quickly. I'm not so sure but I'm just going to let it all play out however it's meant to.
We're getting separate bank accounts, separate cell phones, separate insurance. House and my car will be on mine......truck and camper will be on his. Win/win, we'll both still get multi-package discounts. John will still give me money towards house bills every month until the house sells.
I'm filing as soon as I have the money to give to the court. We haven't told the kids yet. I don't think we need to rush to do that. But, when we do, they will at least be used to what is going on. Things will pretty much stay the same other than us moving. And they will be a little used to that idea because John and I had already talked about selling the house and moving last year when some other stuff had come up. Other than that, things won't change much from what they are now. He will still come in the morning........he'll just take them back to his house rather than stay wherever I'm living. I'll come pick them up in the afternoon. Schedule will stay the same........dinner w him on Tuesdays and every other weekend. We'll still be in Abington so they'll still go to same schools, have same friends. So the separation has prepared them a bit.
I think that's about it. I could be forgetting things. I won't pretend this isn't overwhelming. It is. But I feel like if I have things planned out, steps laid out, I can just push through it. I know we're going to be okay. But the next few months, until we all get settled into our new lives...........that's going to be interesting.......to say the least.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Still kicking...
Some days I wish I could kick something honestly.
I'm still here. Surviving. Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing. Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected. I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year. I want to get past the hard stuff. I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.
I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm over the past 7 years of my life. I'm resentful. But only in small fractions. The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be. Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move. Let's just get this over with. That's just how I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here. This was supposed to be my forever. It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing) But there isn't any coming back from this for me. Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.
Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home. The kids were at school. He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over." Even while we were in marriage counseling. So, wait, what?! I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?! Are you effing kidding me right now? And you admit this OUT LOUD to me? Again, are you effing kidding me? Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me. He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't. I can't fix that for him. He has to do that on his own. He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since. Nothing has worked. No matter how hard I tried. That starts to wear on a person. It started to make me think less of myself. I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently. So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value. Now *I* need to work on myself as well. He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life. Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc. Just I'm stable. Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair. That's not why you want to be with someone. He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be. I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore. That's the truth. I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are. I told him that what's done is done. That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever. Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were. I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again. That's where I'm at. You've finally kicked me away for the last time. I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you. I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this. I will not let this be their example. This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.
I like to know that I'm appreciated. I can't remember the last time I felt that. Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do. I am not a big lover of "things" at all. My "love language" probably isn't like most people's. I'm not a materialistic person. You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me. But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice. Mother's Day and Christmas too. I don't think that's asking too much. But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years. I can count on one hand. It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas. Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy. (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own) That just became par for the course. He brought that up too. I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John. You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions. There is no other way about it. You had the option, you chose not to do anything. End of. That's just all there is to it. No if's, and's or but's. There is no point in trying to argue. I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will. I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it. Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important. Nothing changed. But, it is what it is. Again, everything happens for a reason.
Anyway. At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be. I always have, I always will. We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do. So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay. My top priority is my three babies. They are all that matter to me right now. As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.
I'm still here. Surviving. Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing. Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected. I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year. I want to get past the hard stuff. I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.
I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm over the past 7 years of my life. I'm resentful. But only in small fractions. The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be. Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move. Let's just get this over with. That's just how I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here. This was supposed to be my forever. It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing) But there isn't any coming back from this for me. Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.
Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home. The kids were at school. He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over." Even while we were in marriage counseling. So, wait, what?! I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?! Are you effing kidding me right now? And you admit this OUT LOUD to me? Again, are you effing kidding me? Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me. He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't. I can't fix that for him. He has to do that on his own. He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since. Nothing has worked. No matter how hard I tried. That starts to wear on a person. It started to make me think less of myself. I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently. So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value. Now *I* need to work on myself as well. He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life. Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc. Just I'm stable. Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair. That's not why you want to be with someone. He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be. I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore. That's the truth. I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are. I told him that what's done is done. That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever. Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were. I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again. That's where I'm at. You've finally kicked me away for the last time. I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you. I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this. I will not let this be their example. This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.
I like to know that I'm appreciated. I can't remember the last time I felt that. Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do. I am not a big lover of "things" at all. My "love language" probably isn't like most people's. I'm not a materialistic person. You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me. But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice. Mother's Day and Christmas too. I don't think that's asking too much. But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years. I can count on one hand. It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas. Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy. (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own) That just became par for the course. He brought that up too. I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John. You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions. There is no other way about it. You had the option, you chose not to do anything. End of. That's just all there is to it. No if's, and's or but's. There is no point in trying to argue. I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will. I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it. Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important. Nothing changed. But, it is what it is. Again, everything happens for a reason.
Anyway. At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be. I always have, I always will. We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do. So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay. My top priority is my three babies. They are all that matter to me right now. As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.
Monday, March 16, 2015
File under: S*%t I never thought would happen to me
I've decided 2015 is absolutely out to get me. Just not in the cards to be my year I guess. But, silver linings, I guess it can only get better from here.
So, I'll just put it out there. I am officially separated. I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family. If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked. If you and I are very close you already know. If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.
The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now. I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up. He got a text message that made me feel...........off. Or actually, his response to said text did. I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone. Never thought I needed to. But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it. There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code. It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok. But it was his reaction. He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket. Huh?? I let it go. But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone. And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together. I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email. Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills. Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years. Awesome. Texts at all hours of the day and night. Phone calls. Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days. Lost sleep, lost weight. I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass. I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS. He just looked at me like a deer in headlights. I burst into tears. He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about. Says he doesn't remember. Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend. Bullshit. That he didn't know how to have a female friend. Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon. Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger. To the point where I can't even look at him anymore. I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact. He walked around in the same world he had always lived in. I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done. That I needed him to move out. She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people. That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me. She was right. She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits. I said ok. So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated. I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable. I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.
So, he's been out for two weeks now. The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday. It was planned months ago. It didn't feel any different for me because I was away. This past weekend I had the kids. He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them. I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone. I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids. Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house. I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave. They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible. I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend. They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them. I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.
Now comes the tough stuff. I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here. Things haven't been right for so long. That's a tough frigging pill to swallow. For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do. The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short. End of.
So, I'll just put it out there. I am officially separated. I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family. If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked. If you and I are very close you already know. If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.
The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now. I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up. He got a text message that made me feel...........off. Or actually, his response to said text did. I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone. Never thought I needed to. But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it. There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code. It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok. But it was his reaction. He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket. Huh?? I let it go. But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone. And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together. I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email. Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills. Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years. Awesome. Texts at all hours of the day and night. Phone calls. Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days. Lost sleep, lost weight. I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass. I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS. He just looked at me like a deer in headlights. I burst into tears. He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about. Says he doesn't remember. Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend. Bullshit. That he didn't know how to have a female friend. Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon. Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger. To the point where I can't even look at him anymore. I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact. He walked around in the same world he had always lived in. I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done. That I needed him to move out. She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people. That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me. She was right. She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits. I said ok. So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated. I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable. I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.
So, he's been out for two weeks now. The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday. It was planned months ago. It didn't feel any different for me because I was away. This past weekend I had the kids. He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them. I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone. I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids. Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house. I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave. They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible. I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend. They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them. I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.
Now comes the tough stuff. I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here. Things haven't been right for so long. That's a tough frigging pill to swallow. For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do. The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short. End of.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Broken Hearts
We had to say goodbye to Dakota last night. The kids were too young to remember their grandmothers passing so this is the toughest thing our little family of five has ever been through.
She was going to the vet yesterday to have a cyst on her eye looked at. Jan brought her to my Father in Law's house because she wanted to prep us first. He came over and told us we needed to go to his house. I knew in an instant what was happening. John had no idea. When we got there I said to Jan, it's bad isn't it? She just said I'm so sorry. I said is it Cancer? She said yes. Dakota has cancer throughout her spleen and it's infested her lungs as well. Her platelet counts are supposed to be between 40,000 - 50,000. Hers are at 7,000. If she bumps into something the wrong way, if she gets bumped the wrong way, she could literally bleed out in your house. She'll bleed from her ears, eyes, nose, mouth and you won't be able to help her or stop it. I started crying. All I could think about were the kids. They have never known life without Dakota. We got her when I was pregnant with Aidan - she would have been 10 years old just two weeks from now.
We brought her home and told the kids that she was very, very sick. That she was going to live in Heaven with Grandma and Meme. They started crying. I started crying. John started crying. They asked if they could take a picture with her, each of them, to keep in their bedrooms. I said of course they could. Then the questions started. Erynn wanted to know if we could visit her in Heaven. Aidan was saying he wished we could just have four more days - just one more camping trip with her so we could take her to the dog park again. But he didn't want her to be in pain. Ryan said this was the saddest day of his life and would it be okay to talk about it at circle time in school the next day. My poor babies were crying for hours. They are so sad and I felt so helpless because all I could do was hold them - I couldn't fix their hurt. I've never felt so helpless in my life. I just said Mommy is so sorry, this is one hurt I can't fix for you.
I know we did the right thing. John went with Jan to the hospital and he said Dakota got really bad on the drive there. Her breathing was labored, she was shaking and crying. I know she was in pain and we never would have wanted her to suffer. We wouldn't have wanted the kids to see her like that. But my heart breaks for my kids and the pain they are feeling. I wish I could make it all better for them.
The kids want to bury her in the front yard. Right by the three trees we planted for them when we built the house. Aidan said it has to be by those trees so she will always be near them. :::tears::: for my sweet child.
RIP Dakota. We love you and will never forget you.
She was going to the vet yesterday to have a cyst on her eye looked at. Jan brought her to my Father in Law's house because she wanted to prep us first. He came over and told us we needed to go to his house. I knew in an instant what was happening. John had no idea. When we got there I said to Jan, it's bad isn't it? She just said I'm so sorry. I said is it Cancer? She said yes. Dakota has cancer throughout her spleen and it's infested her lungs as well. Her platelet counts are supposed to be between 40,000 - 50,000. Hers are at 7,000. If she bumps into something the wrong way, if she gets bumped the wrong way, she could literally bleed out in your house. She'll bleed from her ears, eyes, nose, mouth and you won't be able to help her or stop it. I started crying. All I could think about were the kids. They have never known life without Dakota. We got her when I was pregnant with Aidan - she would have been 10 years old just two weeks from now.
We brought her home and told the kids that she was very, very sick. That she was going to live in Heaven with Grandma and Meme. They started crying. I started crying. John started crying. They asked if they could take a picture with her, each of them, to keep in their bedrooms. I said of course they could. Then the questions started. Erynn wanted to know if we could visit her in Heaven. Aidan was saying he wished we could just have four more days - just one more camping trip with her so we could take her to the dog park again. But he didn't want her to be in pain. Ryan said this was the saddest day of his life and would it be okay to talk about it at circle time in school the next day. My poor babies were crying for hours. They are so sad and I felt so helpless because all I could do was hold them - I couldn't fix their hurt. I've never felt so helpless in my life. I just said Mommy is so sorry, this is one hurt I can't fix for you.
I know we did the right thing. John went with Jan to the hospital and he said Dakota got really bad on the drive there. Her breathing was labored, she was shaking and crying. I know she was in pain and we never would have wanted her to suffer. We wouldn't have wanted the kids to see her like that. But my heart breaks for my kids and the pain they are feeling. I wish I could make it all better for them.
The kids want to bury her in the front yard. Right by the three trees we planted for them when we built the house. Aidan said it has to be by those trees so she will always be near them. :::tears::: for my sweet child.
RIP Dakota. We love you and will never forget you.
 |
| 2013 |
 |
| 5-5-14 |
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
On edge
What do you do when you are so pissy you can't stand yourself??
I really don't know what is wrong with me but I'm in a total funk lately. People's comments are rubbing me the wrong way....I'm extra emotional....I can't deal with other people's drama and want to be left out of it......I just don't understand why I am so on edge.
I can't stand he said / she said bullshit. I really can't. I try to stay away from any / all drama. Today I was asked why I said something to someone. Of course the situation didn't play out anywhere near what that person was told and I am pissy that I was called into question. After text messages back and forth, I picked up the phone and had a conversation. I can't be texting back and forth all day, I'm at work. It all worked out, as far as I know, and we're good but it just bothers me that it came up in the first place. Aren't we all adults? Why do people have to created drama when there isn't any? If you think I said something, ask me. Or if someone told you I said something, ask me. Don't beat around the bush. I don't know if I'm getting / got all worked up because of my mood or because this person is a good friend and should know that the way the situation was explained to her doesn't sound ANYTHING like the way I behave. To be fair, she did say she thought it was very strange and didn't sound like me at all but I just don't like being put in that position. I don't like it when people (that I don't even know mind you!) put words in my mouth.
If I do something, call me on it. If I say something, call me on it. Even more - call me on it THEN. In that moment. Don't wait days/weeks/years whatever. Truth be told I can barely remember last night. I'm not going to remember a random comment I said in passing 3,4,10,12 weeks/months/years ago.
I am who I am. I am a very honest person. If you have a question, I'll answer it. I won't tell you what you want to hear - that's not me. I'll tell you MY opinion / view but, keep in mind 1) you asked and 2) it's only MY opinion. Which, at the end of the day, doesn't mean shit to anyone but me. If you are in my life and know me at all you already know this. You won't ask me anything you don't want to hear an honest answer about and you are okay with it which is why you asked me in the first place. I'm just putting it out there in cyberspace.
All of the above isn't just referrring to today. It just so happens that I apparantly needed to get that out in general. Must be part of my pissiness. I think I'd better steer clear of people for the foreseeable future.
I need a hug.
I really don't know what is wrong with me but I'm in a total funk lately. People's comments are rubbing me the wrong way....I'm extra emotional....I can't deal with other people's drama and want to be left out of it......I just don't understand why I am so on edge.
I can't stand he said / she said bullshit. I really can't. I try to stay away from any / all drama. Today I was asked why I said something to someone. Of course the situation didn't play out anywhere near what that person was told and I am pissy that I was called into question. After text messages back and forth, I picked up the phone and had a conversation. I can't be texting back and forth all day, I'm at work. It all worked out, as far as I know, and we're good but it just bothers me that it came up in the first place. Aren't we all adults? Why do people have to created drama when there isn't any? If you think I said something, ask me. Or if someone told you I said something, ask me. Don't beat around the bush. I don't know if I'm getting / got all worked up because of my mood or because this person is a good friend and should know that the way the situation was explained to her doesn't sound ANYTHING like the way I behave. To be fair, she did say she thought it was very strange and didn't sound like me at all but I just don't like being put in that position. I don't like it when people (that I don't even know mind you!) put words in my mouth.
If I do something, call me on it. If I say something, call me on it. Even more - call me on it THEN. In that moment. Don't wait days/weeks/years whatever. Truth be told I can barely remember last night. I'm not going to remember a random comment I said in passing 3,4,10,12 weeks/months/years ago.
I am who I am. I am a very honest person. If you have a question, I'll answer it. I won't tell you what you want to hear - that's not me. I'll tell you MY opinion / view but, keep in mind 1) you asked and 2) it's only MY opinion. Which, at the end of the day, doesn't mean shit to anyone but me. If you are in my life and know me at all you already know this. You won't ask me anything you don't want to hear an honest answer about and you are okay with it which is why you asked me in the first place. I'm just putting it out there in cyberspace.
All of the above isn't just referrring to today. It just so happens that I apparantly needed to get that out in general. Must be part of my pissiness. I think I'd better steer clear of people for the foreseeable future.
I need a hug.
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