Still kicking...

Some days I wish I could kick something honestly.

I'm still here.  Surviving.  Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing.  Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected.  I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year.  I want to get past the hard stuff.  I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.  

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm over the past 7 years of my life.  I'm resentful.  But only in small fractions.  The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be.  Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move.  Let's just get this over with.  That's just how I am.   Don't get me wrong.  I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here.  This was supposed to be my forever.  It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing)  But there isn't any coming back from this for me.  Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.   

Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home.  The kids were at school.   He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over."   Even while we were in marriage counseling.  So, wait, what?!   I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?!   Are you effing kidding me right now?   And you admit this OUT LOUD to me?  Again, are you effing kidding me?   Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me.  He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't.  I can't fix that for him.  He has to do that on his own.  He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since.  Nothing has worked.  No matter how hard I tried.   That starts to wear on a person.  It started to make me think less of myself.  I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently.  So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value.  Now *I* need to work on myself as well.  He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life.  Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc.  Just I'm stable.  Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair.  That's not why you want to be with someone.  He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be.   I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore.  That's the truth.  I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are.  I told him that what's done is done.  That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever.  Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were.  I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again.  That's where I'm at.  You've finally kicked me away for the last time.  I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you.  I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this.   I will not let this be their example.  This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.    

I like to know that I'm appreciated.  I can't remember the last time I felt that.  Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do.  I am not a big lover of "things" at all.  My "love language" probably isn't like most people's.  I'm not a materialistic person.  You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me.  But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice.  Mother's Day and Christmas too.  I don't think that's asking too much.   But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years.  I can count on one hand.  It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas.   Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy.   (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own)  That just became par for the course.  He brought that up too.   I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John.  You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions.  There is no other way about it.  You had the option, you chose not to do anything.  End of.  That's just all there is to it.  No if's, and's or but's.  There is no point in trying to argue.  I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will.  I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it.   Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important.  Nothing changed.  But, it is what it is.  Again, everything happens for a reason.  

Anyway.  At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be.   I always have, I always will.   We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do.   So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay.   My top priority is my three babies.  They are all that matter to me right now.  As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.