WHAT is up?!

Today is definitely a "day" for me. I'm not sure I can explain but I am all.over.the.place. today. My emotions are up, down, over and around. I can't seem keep my mind focused on anything.

I find myself thinking a lot about my Mom lately and how much I miss her. I wish I could just have one, two, three, a thousand more conversations with her. It's been tough over the last few weeks especially. Wondering what is going to happen. Wondering how I'm going to pull my family through what, I am finally realizing, just may be a crisis. Or pretty damn close to one, as close as I've ever come anyway.

I consider myself to be a very strong person. I usually have a lot on my plate. No pity, I'm not crying, that's just the way things are. Truthfully, the way things have always been for me. That's okay. I was raised very well by my Mom and I can just keep on trucking. But lately, if I'm being honest, I feel like my truck is running out of gas. I have too many pit stops to make along the way and not sure I have enough gas to get there. (pit stops, bills, gas, money, whatever. Same difference, right?)

I'm trying to remain objective, calm and sensible. But I really just want to hit the panic button and scream my bloody head off. I don't talk about this with people. I seem to cycle through the same pattern. I'm good, I can manage, I'm drowning, I think of doing drastic things (um, before you call in the guys with the white coats I do NOT mean to myself or my family.......not that kind of drastic! I'm talking like borrowing from 401K or trying to see if we have anything we can sell to help out.) and then I talk myself out of them. Get back to rational. Get back to level headed. Get back to doing what I have been doing for the past four (plus!) years since John has had a job. Surviving.

They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Well, I say I wish he would stop thinking I was She-Ra because I'm certainly not. (although, hello, I wouldn't mind the body.......that'd be nice) I would love to hit a break. Just for a few minutes okay, months. I'd love to not have to worry about Peter, Paul, or that guy named Bill that comes every month wanting my dinero. We used to have that luxury. Oh how I wish I hadn't taken it for granted. Hindsight is 20/20 my friends and it's a tough lesson to learn.

I find myself wishing a lot.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller.

Wait, no, that's not it.

I wish for some slack.
I wish for no stress when it comes to some things. I can handle some stress, I'd just like some of the financial stress to fade a bit.
I wish for John to get a job.
I wish for strength to get me through.
I wish I could stop wishing. I am not delusional. I know there are MANY people going through very similar things. I do. I'm sorry for them and praying things turn around on their end as well. But I still can't help but wish for my little nuclear family just a tad more. I think that's to be expected. That's normal.

I see many similarities between my Mom and myself. I wish more than ever that she were here so I could ask her HOW the hell she managed to do it on her own. Single mom, working, raising three kids, no child support from my deadbeat Dad. All by herself. I'm not single. I have a wonderful husband who is an amazing Dad. I could not wish for another partner and I wouldn't trade him in for the world. Yes, my running joke is "when I marry for the second time it's going to be for money b/c this love shit gets you nowhere" but John knows this is a joke and he laughs right along with me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm with my partner. I'm happy in my marriage and in my family. I could not ask for more emotionally.

That's not to say he doesn't irritate the hell out of me. Trust. I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. Neither is he. I know for damn sure I irritate him as well. But we've never gone to bed angry and we've only had one big, blowout fight in over 11 years. Communication is key my dears and that we have in spades. I like to think we always will. We're very similar in that regard. We both feel it's important and we put an effort into making sure to keep it.

See, all over the place. Lordy someone put a muzzle on me. Or shut my brain off. Not really because that would be awful but let's just slow it down a tad for now, shall we? Yeah, I know that's unlikely.

Add to the above that there is a meeting at my office today and that just makes it worse. They are planning to do my "offboard" today. Kind of like a roast but a proper goodbye as well. People talk about what they'll miss about you, what you've done, etc. I am 99.9% sure that I'll be shedding some tears. I don't do recognition well. I don't like to show weakness so you will rarely (if ever) see me cry. But I'm pretty sure after being a member of this team for over 10 years I'm going to walk out away with at least a tear or two.

Here's to hoping I'm not a blubbering idiot.

Here's to hoping that I (we) can pull through the current state of our life and move on to better times.