In pieces

What happens when a relationship goes bad? One you thought you were guaranteed to have for your entire life?

I've blogged about my sister before. I blogged about her trip up here in August. I believe I blogged about how horrible it was. We hadn't spoken since. Until Monday. Until I got to work, checked my email and found that I had received the most horrible email I have ever gotten from anyone in my life. I've never been spoken to that way. I've never been talked about that way. And it was from my own sister.

I'm broken. Crushed. Devastated. There is no coming back from this. At all. Not for me.

The worst part is, she sees nothing wrong with what she has said. Says she treated me respectfully, with love, just had to get things off her chest. What she said can never be taken back. Ever. I will never forget what was said. Ever. I really think our relationship is over and, if it's not, it will never EVER be the way that it was again.

How does this happen? How? How is it that she sees things one way and it is SO different from the way things really are? How does she claim to have a relationship with me when, for the past TEN years, she has come home just once a year? You can't know someone by seeing them once a year. Not REALLY know them. How can she pretend to know what my life is like when she hasn't been around it in over ten years?? The only time I heard from her is when she needs me. She's had a seizure, is having a panic attack. Is in the hospital and needs me to fly down to Florida. Which I did more times than I could count. If she is doing just fine - I have always been the one to initiate the email, the phone call, do the reaching out. Always. It's like I'm not even a thought unless she needs something from me. But, for me, she is always on my mind. I worry about her. Worry about her health, if she is having seizures, how she is doing. But - no more. She is a grown woman and needs to be responsible for herself. I will no longer be the one she runs to. I can't be. Especially not after what was said. Like I said before, things will never be the same again.

On the one hand, it's not a super big loss for me. I see her once a year. I only talked to her when she needed me. I've never been completely 100% honest with her because I was always afraid of what would happen. What kind of relationship is that?? It's not a very good one. I have always gone to her defense when anyone has ever talked about her, always made excuses for her. Friends, family, her ex girlfriends, I have always, no matter what, stuck by her side. She has NO idea. Why would I tell her? It's just something I did because she was my sister. No explanation needed.

On the other hand she is my SISTER. My blood. Someone I should have been able to count on. Talk to when I needed to. Said anything to without fear of judgement. I should have been able to be 100% honest with her on anything, when I needed to. But it wasn't like that. I have friends who are much closer to me than she is. Who I can talk to, who I can say anything to. Who think it's OKAY if we don't share the same opinion and they don't condemn me for it. Isn't that what life is all about? We are supposed to be individuals. Our life is OUR life - no one elses.

I wonder if one day she'll ever regret what she said, the damage she has caused. I wonder if one day she'll ever see it wasn't ME. I doubt it. It breaks my heart. My family is so messed up as it is. I have always envied people that have had those tight knit families that I haven't had since my grandmother passed away when I was 13. Now it's grown even smaller.

In spite of all of this.........I know I am blessed. I have an amazing husband and three fantastic kids. I know I have a good life. I know I am a good person (contrary to what C thinks of me.....apparently I am a cold, bitter and evil person) and I know that I'm doing things right. I would do anything for anyone and I think people know that about me. The only thing I can do is be happy with myself and my life. It's for ME to live and not anyone else. Especially people who are only part of my life on a part time basis. It angers me that I even feel the need to stick up for myself. It angers me that she thinks she can just cut me to shreds but then say she did so in a respectful manner. If there was any ounce of respect she would never have been able to talk to me like that. Her older sister. Whom SHE has stuck in a "Mother" role (when I did NOT ask for it) for a very long time now. She would never have sent that email. She would have had a grown up conversation, face to face with me, like I asked her to while she was here. But, instead, she ran out of my house like a child.

There is nothing I can do about it. Everything happens for a reason and I will hold on to that with both hands. Even with a broken heart.