Relating to Reality.....

TV that is.

I'm a reality TV junkie. I love the drama. As long as it's not my own, I love it. Thankfully, in my little nuclear family, I don't have a whole lot of drama. Actually, if you take out my sister, I don't have much drama at all and I'm happy to keep it that way.

So, even though I don't have any of my own, I full admit that some drama can be entertaining. So I watch drama on tv. Mob Wives, hot mess on the screen, check. The Bachelor, check. (although I'm having a HARD time getting into this season....it may be coming off my radar soon) Real Housewives - I watch them all - Jersey, NY, Miami, BH, Hot-lanta, I don't discriminate. Love them all.

Thus today's blog. Relating to reality tv. In watching the last 2 episodes of RHOBH I realized that my relationship with my sister is very similar to Kyle's relationship to Kim. I'm not sure if I should be happy or upset about that. But it's a fact.

Kyle is the responsible one. So am I.
Kim is always having some kind of issue, some kind of problem and somehow not telling the truth. Yep, that is C.
Kyle is the one who is always trying to fix the issues. Yup.
Kim sometimes doesn't make sense when she talks....sounds out of whack. C again.
Kyle was complaining that she always has to be the bigger person. That Kim never apologizes for the things she does, the crap she pulls. True again for me.
Listening to the other housewives take on it - they all see what is going on. They all comment on it. They all see the truth, see how it all goes down. This is true for me too. My friends have been telling me for YEARS that I do too much, take too much, deal with too much. They are right. I fully admit this.

I'm still not over all that went down with my sister and I. I am 99.9% sure positive that I never will be. I really feel that there is no coming back from everything she said, did, has done. She still doesn't know that I am aware of ALL the things she said. (is anyone else now singing that Tatu song?!) I will eventually come clean and tell her that I know, but I'm in no rush. We used to email every day, talk a couple or at least one time a week. Not anymore. I've talked to her twice since Christmas. 5 min conversations, max. I've no desire to do anything more. Who knows when the next time we'll talk will be.

I've learned the following. I will not and cannot be responsible for my sister. She is a grown ass woman and I am not her mother. She will make her own choices, her own decisions, just as she always has. I refuse to be involved. I will not let others, including her, get me involved. It's not my problem. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel responsible. I'm finally over it.

35 looks good on me, doesn't it? ;-)

A Ryan Funny

Oh Ryan, my wonderful wonderful Ryan.

The other night I was putting the kids to bed.

They get to watch tv in their rooms before they go to bed so I turned the tv on in the boys' room.

Olivia (the pg) was on. Ryan goes "No Mom, change the channel, I don't want to watch this show, it sucks."

I said "what did you say?!"

He said "I said, this show sucks Mom."

Just as calmly as you please, like he just told me the sun was shining. But then I see the little *glint* in his eye and the little smile on his face. Oh yeah, he knew he was saying something he shouldn't. My little devil.

I almost died.

I told him it was totally okay to say he didn't want to watch a show b/c he didn't like it but that he was not allowed to say the show "sucks" b/c that is a bad word and he shouldn't use it.

Oy vey. Yep, this one keeps me on my toes alright! Love him!

The BIG 3-5

Yep. This one hit me like a ton of bricks.

For anyone that knows me.........really knows me.......you know I don't give two figs about age. Never have. To be perfectly honest I never thought I would.

Until this year.

35.

Not a ridiculously high number. Nope, not at all.

I don't know if it's because 2011 was such a CRAP year for us. I don't know if it's because I miss my Mom so much. I don't know if it's because my family history shows this might actually be the midway point of my life. I don't know anything except this birthday was one tough birthday for me.

Until it wasn't.

For the past 8 or 9 years John and I have thrown a New Years Eve party. (Except for ONE year. 2004. We skipped that one because I was coming home from the hospital having given birth to Aidan 2 days prior. Forgive me.)

So typically I spend my birthday cooking and cleaning for a slew of people to come over and ring in the new year. No, it's not a birthday party for me. It never has been. It's always been a New Year's party. That's just the way it's been. I'm not tacky enough to throw myself a birthday party every year. Come on.

My brother and I are super close. I had voiced to him a few times how hard this approaching birthday was hitting me. There is a group of us from my Mommy board that email pretty much every single day. We are pretty damn close and they wanted to know what the plan was for my birthday. I told them it was the same as every year. We host everyone at our house. "Oh, you mean a birthday party for you?" Nope. We just host a party, end of story. They weren't too fond of that. I didn't find out until the day of just how un-okay with it they really were.

This was the BEST birthday I have ever had. Long story short - my email group spoiled the hell out of me AND my brother spoke with John and my best friends and they threw me a surprise party. I got flowers. Gift certificates. A cake. A cookie bouquet. An Edible Arrangement. A spa trip. I was blown away. It's not about the gifts. It's about people caring enough. It's that they wanted to celebrate me. As my brother said the next day when I thanked him profusely for doing such a wonderful thing for me: "You are absolutely welcome and you deserved it! You do more than enough for everyone else, it's about time you got a little something in return."

Once again I am shown how blessed I am. I am loved. Life is good.

Birthdays

I'm going to have to do some block catching up here. Just when I think I can get back into blogging something happens and a month goes by. Where does the time go?! Speaking of.......we had two (well, three but mine will be seperate) birthdays go by last month!

Aidan. My baby. My first born. I don't understand how it has been SEVEN years since I brought my first child home. SEVEN. Some days it feels like yesterday, other days it feels like a life time has gone by.

How did this happen?!

How did we get from there to here? Aidan is such a little man. He has a heart of gold, he is so sensitive. He is the most loving kid there is. So much so that my heart aches for him sometimes. He is just *so* sweet. I hope he will make it through the hurts that can come with childhood. Kids can be so mean and I worry for his sweet little sensitive self. He is the best big brother to his brother and sister. Always looking out for them, sharing, loving, hugging, playing with. He is just amazing.

Erynn Louise. My last baby. Four years already. I remember how much I loved her before she was born. How I got to tell my Mom before she died how I was going to have another baby. How Erynn helped me get through the death of my mother. I remember the day we found out that we were having a baby girl and how much the u/s picture looked like my Mom. It blew me away. We knew right then and there that her name would be Erynn Louise. Erynn is SUCH a girl. She loves pink, playing with dolls, doing her hair. But she loves her big brothers just as much. She plays with them, she looks up to them. She is a Diva. She is emotional. She loves just as hard as she does anything else. She is amazing.

Every Mom is biased. This is true. But for all of the hurts I have had in my life.......these three blessings that I have......I can't even put into words. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am loved. God has put me through some rough things. I grew up much faster than most everyone I know. But I would not change a single solitary thing because it has led me here.

Happy Birthday to two of my wonderful children. I love you to the moon and back.