I've decided 2015 is absolutely out to get me. Just not in the cards to be my year I guess. But, silver linings, I guess it can only get better from here.
So, I'll just put it out there. I am officially separated. I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family. If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked. If you and I are very close you already know. If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.
The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now. I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up. He got a text message that made me feel...........off. Or actually, his response to said text did. I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone. Never thought I needed to. But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it. There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code. It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok. But it was his reaction. He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket. Huh?? I let it go. But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone. And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together. I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email. Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills. Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years. Awesome. Texts at all hours of the day and night. Phone calls. Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days. Lost sleep, lost weight. I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass. I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS. He just looked at me like a deer in headlights. I burst into tears. He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about. Says he doesn't remember. Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend. Bullshit. That he didn't know how to have a female friend. Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon. Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger. To the point where I can't even look at him anymore. I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact. He walked around in the same world he had always lived in. I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done. That I needed him to move out. She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people. That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me. She was right. She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits. I said ok. So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated. I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable. I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.
So, he's been out for two weeks now. The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday. It was planned months ago. It didn't feel any different for me because I was away. This past weekend I had the kids. He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them. I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone. I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids. Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house. I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave. They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible. I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend. They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them. I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.
Now comes the tough stuff. I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here. Things haven't been right for so long. That's a tough frigging pill to swallow. For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do. The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short. End of.
