so happy. Who knew that in just over a month you'd be gone. That my heart would be broken. That I'd have lost the only parent I'd ever had, my Mother AND my Father, my best friend. The one I could go to when I needed to talk, cry, laugh, when I needed anything or when I needed nothing at all.....when I just wanted to be with my Mom. Even though our roles had become reversed in the last several years of your life......it didn't matter to me. You were my Mom and I would do anything for you. Anything at all.
I have had the biggest hole in my heart ever since you left. They say time heals all wounds. I say they are wrong. I can honestly say there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of you. I miss you every single day. Especially now that I have a daughter of my own. Oh my, would you LOVE her. You always told me you wanted me to have a daughter of my own and I'm so happy I do. The crazy part is she reminds me SO much of you sometimes. The way she cocks her hip, or stomps her little feet when she is walking through the house. The way she'll look at me or talk to me. I swear I hear you in her voice. See you in her face. She has your hands. It sounds crazy but when we had our 18 week ultrasound both John and I said she looked just like you. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I just wish you were here to see her too.
We still talk about you all the time. I want the kids to know who you are, even if they can't see you. The boys have this same picture of you in their bedroom. We look at your pictures, I tell them stories. They ask questions, especially Aidan. He is so curious. I think it's the age. We look at the book I had you fill out after he was born. I'm so grateful for that book. There are things in there that even I didn't know. It's like having a piece of you around still. I wish there were more. They were so young when you left. There aren't many pictures of you with them at all. It breaks my heart. I'm glad I at least got to tell you I was pregnant before you were gone. I still remember your exact tone and you saying "That's woooooonderful" when I told you that you had to get better because you were going to be a Grandmother again. If only you could have. But less than a week later you were gone. Some days it feels like you've been gone a lifetime. Other days it feels like just minutes have passed and the pain is so fresh. There are nights that I just sit in my room and cry. I question everything. I don't understand why you had to go so soon. You were 60 years old. You had so much living to do. Why did you have to miss out on so much? Selfishly speaking, why did I have to lose the only parent I ever had? It was bad enough that I didn't have a father.....it's bad enough that I have to see him around town and know that he chooses not to be in my life. Why did I have to lose you so soon? It's not fair. I know, I know, life isn't fair. I try to pick myself back up again and get on with it. Well, try isn't the right word. I do pick myself back up again and get on with it because there's no time for pity. Life goes on, it has to. But days like today.....your birthday......and the anniversary of your passing are the worst days for me.
I love you Mom. I miss you every day. Wherever you are, I hope you are celebrating your birthday in style. I'll see you again someday. Until then.....
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