Things that have been running through my head lately with all the new things and changes going on:
- filing for divorce is easier when you are NOT doing it amicably.
WTF is up with that?!?! Keep a good "working" relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-husband and get completely f*cked over by the system. Holy mother of God this has been nothing but a pain in the ass. I'm over it. My divorce is currently sitting on an effin shelf right now because J and I both have to complete a "parenting course" before they will give us our court date. I'm sorry, a what the WHAT now?! I have to take a parenting course to tell me how to be a "good" ex during the divorce and to not talk badly about my ex. Um, did you see the JOINTLY filing paper I submitted? Our friends have said we should be the "poster children for divorce" because we are getting along better now than we have in over two years. (yeah, that happened.....thanks guys LOL) This is some serious bs I tell ya. So, needless to say I registered us as fast as I could. He's going this week and next week and I go the first week of July. Christ on a cracker. THEN when we get the completed certificates I can get the damn court date. Well thankyouverymuch. Seriously. If I had gone and filed w out him - I would have my court date already. Granted it would be over a year from now (my friends court date is FOURTEEN months away) so I guess I shouldn't complain, but still. ANNOYING.
- I'm actually excited for all of the changes coming up.
Not scared at all. Which is amazing because this is some pretty MAJOR stuff happening. I'm 38 years old, with 3 children and I'm starting all over again. Who the hell would have thought it?! Um, not I. But it's happening.....and I can't wait to just get right down to it. New house, new life. Me and the three loves of my life. My world revolves around these three little people. Nothing else matters. Everything I've been through in the last 7 yrs of my marriage no longer matters. I get to wipe the slate clean. I don't have to put up with anyone else's bullshit anymore. I don't have to bury anything anymore. Ignore. Cry because I'm so unhappy. Hide my feelings. Pretend it's all okay. Put on a front for people. It's all over. No regrets, just lessons learned.
- I can't wait to find a new place to live.
I get to downsize. I get to have a house that is just for me and my littles. Redecorate. Set up how I want. Run it the way I want. Do what I want. Let the kids set up the way they want - they are older now, they can have input. We can do it together....that will help them feel like they are part of it. It's exciting! Change isn't always a bad thing. I'm looking forward to it.
- Friends / who is there.
It's so funny to me who has been there vs who hasn't been there through everything that has been going on over the last 6 mon or so. I get text messages on the daily from people I would never expect from............keeping in touch, checking in on me, making sure I have plans when it's not my weekend or night with the kids, etc. Then there are people I never hear from that I would hear from daily before all of this. Not complaining, just stating a fact. It's okay, we're all busy. It's just interesting who is there when you go through something major. Happened last year when I had my surgery too.
- I am FAR too old for couch surfing.
During this fabulous (insert heavy sarcasm here) time of transition I have been staying with my brother every other weekend. OMG it's hell on earth. I sleep on a couch and I am WAY too f*cking old for that shit. I get NO sleep. It's so uncomfortable. I have to ask permission to come/go b/c they won't give me my own set of keys to the apartment. (don't even get me started on that) There is no food in the house so if they are gone I'm trapped for the day with nothing to eat. If I leave, I'll be locked out until one of them comes home. It sucks. I've resorted to staying at a hotel on some nights just to avoid it. That's the plan for my next weekend - I'm staying at a hotel on the Friday night b/c my last weekend was just SO bad. They aren't getting along to boot so that just adds to the already shitty situation. I can't wait to move on with the house so I can get my own place w the kids and I won't have to move out of my house every other weekend. I can just STAY home.
- Dating.
Now, I will say this.........this TERRIFIES me. OMG I can't even lie. Thinking about it scares the ever loving shit out of me. Let's be perfectly honest here. I have been 100%, absolutely, completely fucked over by every.single.guy in my life starting with my own father. How's that for a track record??? So putting myself out there and opening up to someone again? Sooooo not something I'm going to want to do. BUT, and this is where I'm sure people will judge and have opinions............b/c it's human nature and we ALL do it.............(I don't care what you say, you're doing it right now)........my marriage has been over for a LONG time. We both admit that. So I'm going to want to start dating. Yep, it's going to happen. I deserve to be happy too. My kids make me happy, absolutely. But when I'm not with them I'm going to want to date. I will need adult interaction with more than just my girlfriends. Gasp! Yes, I said it. It's going to happen. But just because I said it doesn't mean it doesn't scare me. I'm damaged goods. How do I learn to trust again??
- Tattoo.
Truly random. I cannot WAIT for my next tattoo. I've already picked it out already know where it's going. I'm getting a lotus flower design on the left side of my body. Lotus flowers stand for rebirth, starting over, overcoming hard times, etc. Perfect for this next stage of my life. I've thought about this next tattoo for months and I can't wait to get it done!
Think that's about all I've got for now. Truly random thoughts for a Wednesday afternoon.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Next steps............let's keep it moving
In true Christine fashion, I have to have a plan. I know you will be shocked by this. (in true Christine fashion that statement is loaded with sarcasm.) Once I make up my mind, I need to get my ducks in a row, figure out what I'm doing and just get on with it. That's just how I am. I'm not one to sit and wallow......that's just not my style. Never has been. I figure it out, I accept, I move on with a plan.
So that is what I have done. I told John I want a divorce. We talked it out and I will honestly say it's probably the best talk we've had since we split up. We're both on the same page, must stay amicable, want to remain friends, co-parent the kids. Both on same page about selling the house. I have a realtor coming on Friday to look at it. I told him he should keep the boat - his Dad bought it for him, I've never had anything to do with it and I would never try to take it. He'll buy me out of the camper - I can't tow it anyway and we still want the kids to be able to go camping. He said he'll still tow it for me on my weekends with the kids. I said we'll play it by ear. I'm fine going back to tent camping. I told him that right now he's not thinking about it but eventually he'll find someone he wants to date, be with, whatever and I'm not so sure she'll be cool with him towing a camper for his ex-wife all the time. He, of course, didn't want to hear it but I told him he needs to be realistic. He's too young to be alone for the rest of his life.
I'll look for another house/condo/townhouse to live with the kids. 3 bedroom is all I care about. I don't need a huge house, just something big enough for the four of us. I told him no offense, I just don't want to live near where we are now. He said I don't blame you one bit. (not with him, his Dad and his sister living right there.......noooooo thank you) So hopefully I can find something that works for us that I love. And on the other side of town. I know everything happens for a reason so I'll just go with it. I was talking to a friend about my house and he is convinced it's going to sell quickly. I'm not so sure but I'm just going to let it all play out however it's meant to.
We're getting separate bank accounts, separate cell phones, separate insurance. House and my car will be on mine......truck and camper will be on his. Win/win, we'll both still get multi-package discounts. John will still give me money towards house bills every month until the house sells.
I'm filing as soon as I have the money to give to the court. We haven't told the kids yet. I don't think we need to rush to do that. But, when we do, they will at least be used to what is going on. Things will pretty much stay the same other than us moving. And they will be a little used to that idea because John and I had already talked about selling the house and moving last year when some other stuff had come up. Other than that, things won't change much from what they are now. He will still come in the morning........he'll just take them back to his house rather than stay wherever I'm living. I'll come pick them up in the afternoon. Schedule will stay the same........dinner w him on Tuesdays and every other weekend. We'll still be in Abington so they'll still go to same schools, have same friends. So the separation has prepared them a bit.
I think that's about it. I could be forgetting things. I won't pretend this isn't overwhelming. It is. But I feel like if I have things planned out, steps laid out, I can just push through it. I know we're going to be okay. But the next few months, until we all get settled into our new lives...........that's going to be interesting.......to say the least.
So that is what I have done. I told John I want a divorce. We talked it out and I will honestly say it's probably the best talk we've had since we split up. We're both on the same page, must stay amicable, want to remain friends, co-parent the kids. Both on same page about selling the house. I have a realtor coming on Friday to look at it. I told him he should keep the boat - his Dad bought it for him, I've never had anything to do with it and I would never try to take it. He'll buy me out of the camper - I can't tow it anyway and we still want the kids to be able to go camping. He said he'll still tow it for me on my weekends with the kids. I said we'll play it by ear. I'm fine going back to tent camping. I told him that right now he's not thinking about it but eventually he'll find someone he wants to date, be with, whatever and I'm not so sure she'll be cool with him towing a camper for his ex-wife all the time. He, of course, didn't want to hear it but I told him he needs to be realistic. He's too young to be alone for the rest of his life.
I'll look for another house/condo/townhouse to live with the kids. 3 bedroom is all I care about. I don't need a huge house, just something big enough for the four of us. I told him no offense, I just don't want to live near where we are now. He said I don't blame you one bit. (not with him, his Dad and his sister living right there.......noooooo thank you) So hopefully I can find something that works for us that I love. And on the other side of town. I know everything happens for a reason so I'll just go with it. I was talking to a friend about my house and he is convinced it's going to sell quickly. I'm not so sure but I'm just going to let it all play out however it's meant to.
We're getting separate bank accounts, separate cell phones, separate insurance. House and my car will be on mine......truck and camper will be on his. Win/win, we'll both still get multi-package discounts. John will still give me money towards house bills every month until the house sells.
I'm filing as soon as I have the money to give to the court. We haven't told the kids yet. I don't think we need to rush to do that. But, when we do, they will at least be used to what is going on. Things will pretty much stay the same other than us moving. And they will be a little used to that idea because John and I had already talked about selling the house and moving last year when some other stuff had come up. Other than that, things won't change much from what they are now. He will still come in the morning........he'll just take them back to his house rather than stay wherever I'm living. I'll come pick them up in the afternoon. Schedule will stay the same........dinner w him on Tuesdays and every other weekend. We'll still be in Abington so they'll still go to same schools, have same friends. So the separation has prepared them a bit.
I think that's about it. I could be forgetting things. I won't pretend this isn't overwhelming. It is. But I feel like if I have things planned out, steps laid out, I can just push through it. I know we're going to be okay. But the next few months, until we all get settled into our new lives...........that's going to be interesting.......to say the least.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Still kicking...
Some days I wish I could kick something honestly.
I'm still here. Surviving. Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing. Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected. I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year. I want to get past the hard stuff. I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.
I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm over the past 7 years of my life. I'm resentful. But only in small fractions. The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be. Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move. Let's just get this over with. That's just how I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here. This was supposed to be my forever. It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing) But there isn't any coming back from this for me. Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.
Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home. The kids were at school. He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over." Even while we were in marriage counseling. So, wait, what?! I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?! Are you effing kidding me right now? And you admit this OUT LOUD to me? Again, are you effing kidding me? Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me. He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't. I can't fix that for him. He has to do that on his own. He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since. Nothing has worked. No matter how hard I tried. That starts to wear on a person. It started to make me think less of myself. I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently. So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value. Now *I* need to work on myself as well. He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life. Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc. Just I'm stable. Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair. That's not why you want to be with someone. He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be. I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore. That's the truth. I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are. I told him that what's done is done. That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever. Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were. I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again. That's where I'm at. You've finally kicked me away for the last time. I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you. I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this. I will not let this be their example. This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.
I like to know that I'm appreciated. I can't remember the last time I felt that. Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do. I am not a big lover of "things" at all. My "love language" probably isn't like most people's. I'm not a materialistic person. You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me. But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice. Mother's Day and Christmas too. I don't think that's asking too much. But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years. I can count on one hand. It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas. Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy. (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own) That just became par for the course. He brought that up too. I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John. You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions. There is no other way about it. You had the option, you chose not to do anything. End of. That's just all there is to it. No if's, and's or but's. There is no point in trying to argue. I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will. I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it. Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important. Nothing changed. But, it is what it is. Again, everything happens for a reason.
Anyway. At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be. I always have, I always will. We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do. So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay. My top priority is my three babies. They are all that matter to me right now. As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.
I'm still here. Surviving. Day by day, I'm doing the damn thing. Some days are better than others. But I'm pretty sure that's to be expected. I honestly wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months or even the next year. I want to get past the hard stuff. I want to be settled again into whatever the next chapter is.
I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm over the past 7 years of my life. I'm resentful. But only in small fractions. The other parts of me, the rational parts, sit back and say well, this was all meant to be. Now let's just deal with this shit and figure out your next move. Let's just get this over with. That's just how I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm not okay with how things have ended up - this is the last 15 years of my life I'm talking about here. This was supposed to be my forever. It hurts, more than I have ever hurt before. (aside from my Mom's passing) But there isn't any coming back from this for me. Every time J tries to have a conversation with me he just ends up admitting one more thing that makes me realize everything I have fought for, tried for, worked my ass off to fix was for no damn reason at all.
Last week he came over to talk while I was working from home. The kids were at school. He told me that he hadn't bothered trying at all because he was hoping "this would all just blow over." Even while we were in marriage counseling. So, wait, what?! I wasted the last 16 months of my life pouring my heart out, trying to fix what was broken while you just sat on your ass waiting for all of it to go away?! Are you effing kidding me right now? And you admit this OUT LOUD to me? Again, are you effing kidding me? Yet you wonder why I tell you that I can't do this anymore, that I have nothing left in me. He says he has been in a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.....that he still doesn't. I can't fix that for him. He has to do that on his own. He checked out of this marriage seven years ago, I've been trying to get him back ever since. Nothing has worked. No matter how hard I tried. That starts to wear on a person. It started to make me think less of myself. I've changed and I've started to look at myself differently. So now not only has my marriage fallen apart but I've started to see myself as having less value. Now *I* need to work on myself as well. He goes on to say I'm the only stable thing in his life. Not I love you, I can't live without you, etc. Just I'm stable. Ummmm, I'm not a kitchen chair. That's not why you want to be with someone. He says he wants to date me again, show me that he can be a good husband, the partner I need, the man he used to be. I told him I don't WANT to date him, that I don't know WHO that man is anymore, that I don't remember him at all, that I have no faith in him, I don't trust him anymore. That's the truth. I told him that if I was really all that to him then we never would have ended up where we are. I told him that what's done is done. That it's not okay but that maybe we really just weren't meant to be each others forever. Because we wouldn't have come to this if we were. I said I've given you 1,000 chances - there are only so many times I can be kicked away before I won't come back again. That's where I'm at. You've finally kicked me away for the last time. I don't want to date you, I don't want you to chase me, I don't want anything from you. I deserve better than this, our kids deserve to grow up in better than this because I REFUSE to let them grow up seeing a marriage like this. I will not let this be their example. This is not what they should grow up and aspire to have.
I like to know that I'm appreciated. I can't remember the last time I felt that. Showing me I'm appreciated isn't a hard thing to do. I am not a big lover of "things" at all. My "love language" probably isn't like most people's. I'm not a materialistic person. You could just say thank you or hey, I noticed this and that's enough for me. But I will say on my birthday, a card would be nice. Mother's Day and Christmas too. I don't think that's asking too much. But ask me the last time that happened over the past 15 years. I can count on one hand. It got to the point where the kids started asking why Mommy didn't have any presents to open up on Christmas. Or how come everyone else had a stocking full of things EXCEPT for Mommy. (well, that's b/c mommy is the one who does all of the stockings loves - and she isn't doing her own) That just became par for the course. He brought that up too. I countered right back - I was not a priority for you John. You made a choice to not do anything for me when it came down to holidays or special occasions. There is no other way about it. You had the option, you chose not to do anything. End of. That's just all there is to it. No if's, and's or but's. There is no point in trying to argue. I did not say this in anger, malice or with ill will. I just said with acceptance because what's done is done and there is no changing it. Even in the 16 months after the whole "indiscretion" (as our therapist calls it) he STILL chose not to take advantage of special occasions to show me he was making an effort to show me that I was important. Nothing changed. But, it is what it is. Again, everything happens for a reason.
Anyway. At the end of the day, I believe what's meant to be will be. I always have, I always will. We may not know why things happen the way that they do but I have always believed that they are meant to happen they way they do. So, I will go through this like I'm supposed to and I will be okay. My top priority is my three babies. They are all that matter to me right now. As long as they are okay, I am going to be okay.
Monday, March 16, 2015
File under: S*%t I never thought would happen to me
I've decided 2015 is absolutely out to get me. Just not in the cards to be my year I guess. But, silver linings, I guess it can only get better from here.
So, I'll just put it out there. I am officially separated. I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family. If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked. If you and I are very close you already know. If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.
The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now. I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up. He got a text message that made me feel...........off. Or actually, his response to said text did. I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone. Never thought I needed to. But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it. There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code. It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok. But it was his reaction. He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket. Huh?? I let it go. But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone. And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together. I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email. Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills. Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years. Awesome. Texts at all hours of the day and night. Phone calls. Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days. Lost sleep, lost weight. I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass. I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS. He just looked at me like a deer in headlights. I burst into tears. He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about. Says he doesn't remember. Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend. Bullshit. That he didn't know how to have a female friend. Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon. Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger. To the point where I can't even look at him anymore. I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact. He walked around in the same world he had always lived in. I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done. That I needed him to move out. She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people. That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me. She was right. She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits. I said ok. So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated. I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable. I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.
So, he's been out for two weeks now. The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday. It was planned months ago. It didn't feel any different for me because I was away. This past weekend I had the kids. He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them. I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone. I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids. Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house. I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave. They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible. I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend. They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them. I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.
Now comes the tough stuff. I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here. Things haven't been right for so long. That's a tough frigging pill to swallow. For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do. The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short. End of.
So, I'll just put it out there. I am officially separated. I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family. If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked. If you and I are very close you already know. If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.
The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now. I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up. He got a text message that made me feel...........off. Or actually, his response to said text did. I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone. Never thought I needed to. But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it. There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code. It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok. But it was his reaction. He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket. Huh?? I let it go. But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone. And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together. I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email. Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills. Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years. Awesome. Texts at all hours of the day and night. Phone calls. Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days. Lost sleep, lost weight. I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass. I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS. He just looked at me like a deer in headlights. I burst into tears. He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about. Says he doesn't remember. Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend. Bullshit. That he didn't know how to have a female friend. Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon. Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger. To the point where I can't even look at him anymore. I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact. He walked around in the same world he had always lived in. I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done. That I needed him to move out. She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people. That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me. She was right. She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits. I said ok. So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated. I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable. I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.
So, he's been out for two weeks now. The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday. It was planned months ago. It didn't feel any different for me because I was away. This past weekend I had the kids. He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them. I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone. I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids. Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house. I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave. They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible. I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend. They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them. I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.
Now comes the tough stuff. I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here. Things haven't been right for so long. That's a tough frigging pill to swallow. For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do. The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short. End of.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Longest break ever!
How the hell do I come back after 3 months of not blogging? JC. I don't even know where to start. It was a busy / hellish / long 3 months. I feel like I should do a separate post for each kid. So I will because this is my blog and I can.
Okay, let's get this party started.......I had my surgery on July 25th. It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I was so ashamed of myself, I can't even lie. I've had surgeries........(here's the TMI but this is my blog and you'll just have to flipping deal with it HA!) two separate breast surgeries to remove 5 tumors, 3 children (one where the epidural never kicked in), a needle biopsy they had to do 3 times to get what they needed and a partial hysterectomy that couldn't be done laproscopically so I have a full on 6in c-section scar. Plus one other surgery that I really won't make you hear about b/c it's even too TMI for me. I was so NOT prepared for the amount of pain I got from an effing KNEE. RUKIDDING ME?! I felt like the damn thing had been amputated. It was ridiculous. Then there was the humiliation. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting help because I couldn't get out of bed. It was horrible. Talk about humbling. I never want to go through anything like that again. It's still not over. Three months later and I'm just starting to go up / down stairs the regular way, I'm in Physical Therapy 2x a week and I'm still not able to do a lot of things that I absolutely took for granted. I will get random sharp, shooting pains through my kneecap, a burning sensation through my scar and my knee will lock up and then release with a huge POP sound that other people can hear. But, I keep reminding myself that I am ONLY three months out from surgery. PT and my surgeon keep telling me how amazed they are with my progress, how they see some people that still can't even bend their knee all the way like I am more than capable of doing at this point. Yesterday I wore my first pair of heels since JUNE! Now that, my friends, was a major milestone for me. I am a HUGE fan of heels. Not wearing them for the past four months has almost killed me. (yes, dramatic, I admit but again, this is my blog) I wasn't able to wear my absolute favorite pair of wedges all summer and I wanted to cry. But, drama aside, I made it through. Now we're into fall which brings dresses and knee high boots. So, like I said, yesterday I put on my first pair of heels. I had PT and an ortho check up and they were both happy and impressed to see I was pulling off the boots so progress is progress and I'll just keep swimming!
Work. Well, this has been a banner month. I found out that my entire team is being packed up and shipped to Geneva. You might say YAY! That's amazing, what a great life experience!! I would absolutely, 100% agree with you. (and hell yes, we would have moved!!) IF I were eligible to go. But, alas, I am too far down on that totem pole to be considered to relo. So, I'm stuck with no job. Displaced as they say. But, on the upside, I was told that I am "top rated" and they will not let top rated people leave. So, it looks like I will get *some* kind of job. Just not sure what that will be. I'm VERY realistic though and I'm 99% sure it's going to be a demotion b/c there just aren't any EA positions open on our campus. That's just the reality. Reality sucks b/c I've been there for 14 years and it took me all that time to get to EA. However, I won't give up and when an EA role does open, I'll go for it. As long as I land on my feet then that's all that matters, right? Starting over somewhere else after all this time would be my nightmare.
Home. Kids are awesome. Absolute lights of my life and my reason for being. Like I said, I'm going to post separately about them b/c they have so much going on. They keep me going every single day. John and I are having growing pains right now. I don't know how else to put it. We've been really lucky the last 13 years b/c we've never had any real issues. That's a blessing. No marriage is perfect, including ours, that is 100% true. Everyone has their issues, including us. But we've never had any real issues. I guess now it's our turn? I don't know. That's all I'm really going to say about that though b/c even though this is my blog I'm still not one to blast my business all over the place. Everything happens for a reason and I'm confident that no matter what everything will work out however it's supposed to.
Friends/Life. Surgery was a real eye opener for me. I had people checking in on me every.single.day that I didn't expect it from and people that I thought for sure I would hear from never checked in. Now I am NOT a drama queen at all, not in the least. I don't expect ANYONE to stop for me. EVER. That's just not how I live at all and anyone who knows me, knows this. If we make plans and you need to canx last min, shit happens honey, it's okay. And I won't hold a grudge! Now I know I did not have heart surgery, I had knee surgery. But I still had surgery. A text message, a FB note, a phone call, vm, anything would have been appropriate. I"m not looking for your undivided attention. Hell no and I would have hated it. But just a simple checking on you would have been okay. I was shocked when I didn't hear anything at all from some. But then random coworkers that I NEVER expected to hear from were texting me! WHAT?! I got flowers from people I never would have expected them from. It was like some crazy, upside down/backwards day. But, it is what it is. You learn things, you take them in and you move on. That's just all you can do. I've made some new friends and had some new connections that have amazed me. Like instant, soulmate type stuff which is crazy to me. We went to a football fundraiser a couple of months ago and I randomly made a comment to this woman that was standing next to me and now we're hanging out with her, her husband and their kids multiple times a month. We have SO much in common with them - instant click. The funniest part - their kids weren't even playing football. They just went to the fundraiser b/c friends of theirs told them they should go b/c it would be fun. How crazy is that? See, everything happens for a reason.
So, I guess that's my update in a very long rant. The gist of it anyway. There's always more but who has time for that ish? ;-)
Okay, let's get this party started.......I had my surgery on July 25th. It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I was so ashamed of myself, I can't even lie. I've had surgeries........(here's the TMI but this is my blog and you'll just have to flipping deal with it HA!) two separate breast surgeries to remove 5 tumors, 3 children (one where the epidural never kicked in), a needle biopsy they had to do 3 times to get what they needed and a partial hysterectomy that couldn't be done laproscopically so I have a full on 6in c-section scar. Plus one other surgery that I really won't make you hear about b/c it's even too TMI for me. I was so NOT prepared for the amount of pain I got from an effing KNEE. RUKIDDING ME?! I felt like the damn thing had been amputated. It was ridiculous. Then there was the humiliation. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting help because I couldn't get out of bed. It was horrible. Talk about humbling. I never want to go through anything like that again. It's still not over. Three months later and I'm just starting to go up / down stairs the regular way, I'm in Physical Therapy 2x a week and I'm still not able to do a lot of things that I absolutely took for granted. I will get random sharp, shooting pains through my kneecap, a burning sensation through my scar and my knee will lock up and then release with a huge POP sound that other people can hear. But, I keep reminding myself that I am ONLY three months out from surgery. PT and my surgeon keep telling me how amazed they are with my progress, how they see some people that still can't even bend their knee all the way like I am more than capable of doing at this point. Yesterday I wore my first pair of heels since JUNE! Now that, my friends, was a major milestone for me. I am a HUGE fan of heels. Not wearing them for the past four months has almost killed me. (yes, dramatic, I admit but again, this is my blog) I wasn't able to wear my absolute favorite pair of wedges all summer and I wanted to cry. But, drama aside, I made it through. Now we're into fall which brings dresses and knee high boots. So, like I said, yesterday I put on my first pair of heels. I had PT and an ortho check up and they were both happy and impressed to see I was pulling off the boots so progress is progress and I'll just keep swimming!
Work. Well, this has been a banner month. I found out that my entire team is being packed up and shipped to Geneva. You might say YAY! That's amazing, what a great life experience!! I would absolutely, 100% agree with you. (and hell yes, we would have moved!!) IF I were eligible to go. But, alas, I am too far down on that totem pole to be considered to relo. So, I'm stuck with no job. Displaced as they say. But, on the upside, I was told that I am "top rated" and they will not let top rated people leave. So, it looks like I will get *some* kind of job. Just not sure what that will be. I'm VERY realistic though and I'm 99% sure it's going to be a demotion b/c there just aren't any EA positions open on our campus. That's just the reality. Reality sucks b/c I've been there for 14 years and it took me all that time to get to EA. However, I won't give up and when an EA role does open, I'll go for it. As long as I land on my feet then that's all that matters, right? Starting over somewhere else after all this time would be my nightmare.
Home. Kids are awesome. Absolute lights of my life and my reason for being. Like I said, I'm going to post separately about them b/c they have so much going on. They keep me going every single day. John and I are having growing pains right now. I don't know how else to put it. We've been really lucky the last 13 years b/c we've never had any real issues. That's a blessing. No marriage is perfect, including ours, that is 100% true. Everyone has their issues, including us. But we've never had any real issues. I guess now it's our turn? I don't know. That's all I'm really going to say about that though b/c even though this is my blog I'm still not one to blast my business all over the place. Everything happens for a reason and I'm confident that no matter what everything will work out however it's supposed to.
Friends/Life. Surgery was a real eye opener for me. I had people checking in on me every.single.day that I didn't expect it from and people that I thought for sure I would hear from never checked in. Now I am NOT a drama queen at all, not in the least. I don't expect ANYONE to stop for me. EVER. That's just not how I live at all and anyone who knows me, knows this. If we make plans and you need to canx last min, shit happens honey, it's okay. And I won't hold a grudge! Now I know I did not have heart surgery, I had knee surgery. But I still had surgery. A text message, a FB note, a phone call, vm, anything would have been appropriate. I"m not looking for your undivided attention. Hell no and I would have hated it. But just a simple checking on you would have been okay. I was shocked when I didn't hear anything at all from some. But then random coworkers that I NEVER expected to hear from were texting me! WHAT?! I got flowers from people I never would have expected them from. It was like some crazy, upside down/backwards day. But, it is what it is. You learn things, you take them in and you move on. That's just all you can do. I've made some new friends and had some new connections that have amazed me. Like instant, soulmate type stuff which is crazy to me. We went to a football fundraiser a couple of months ago and I randomly made a comment to this woman that was standing next to me and now we're hanging out with her, her husband and their kids multiple times a month. We have SO much in common with them - instant click. The funniest part - their kids weren't even playing football. They just went to the fundraiser b/c friends of theirs told them they should go b/c it would be fun. How crazy is that? See, everything happens for a reason.
So, I guess that's my update in a very long rant. The gist of it anyway. There's always more but who has time for that ish? ;-)
Monday, May 19, 2014
Holy $#%!............I did it!!!!
And I'm alive to tell the tale! LOL!!!
I ran my first 5K on Saturday and I did pretty damn well. I am really proud of myself. Not something you hear out of my mouth very often but I really am. I signed up a week before, I didn't train but I gave it my best effort and I ran it in 38:20. I'm told that is a really great time for someone who isn't a runner and I'll take it.
Now you know me and my mad storytelling skills so here is how it all went down.
5:45a that morning I wake up........to torrential downpours. W.T.F. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. I kept thinking to myself (okay, I might have been talking out loud to myself LOL) you're joking. I'm going to get up off of my lazy ass and run for the first time in my life and THIS is the weather this is going to happen in?! Really?!?!
8a: I'm ready to go and YAY - the rain has stopped! YAHOOOOOO!
8:10a - Gael picks me up and we head out. John and the kids will meet me up there in a little bit.
So we get there and we hang out basically. Turns out the kids started at 8:30a and the adults were starting at 9a. So they do their speeches, they do their ceremonial things and the kids start off. OMG they were the cutest things ever!!! They get to run .6 miles and we all cheered them on. Some of them were SO tiny and I'm not ashamed to say could totally kick my ass in any run, any day of the week. Had I participated in the .6 I'm sure I would have been smoked by every single last one of them. Must be nice to have endless amounts of energy. I don't know what that is like anymore. *sob*
9a rolls around and it's my turn. I'm terrified and I'm wondering where the hell my mind vacationed to when I decided it would be a good idea to say yes and register for this. WTH was I thinking? I'm not a runner. (Scratch that. I wasn't a runner because I'm told I now am.) Anywho. The guns go off - YES, literally, the GUNS WENT OFF. After I wet my pants I took off. Were guns really necessary?! I honestly felt like ducking for cover but I would have been run the hell over by all of the people behind me if I had! So I'm running - wait, I'm RUNNING!!! Nice! Off we go, we're running, it's great. I can't keep this up forever, clearly. I didn't train. So I go a fairly respectable distance and I have to walk. I'm realizing I have a fast walk though because Gael has to jog to keep up with my walk. So we're just trucking away and we get to a point where Gael points and says "Yes Girl! You just passed the 1 mile marker." I literally turn to her and say Excuse me, you are fucking kidding me. She says what, you're doing awesome!! I want to cry. I thought that was the 1 mile LEFT MARKER. OMG. I tell her I can't do it. But of course I keep on going. I'm not stopping, I'm just a big baby and I am hating this. But I'm still running and walking when I need to. Run, walk, jog, rinse, lather, repeat. I do what I need to do and I push through.
I get to where I can see where we need to go to finish and I push through and start running..........down the shoot I go. 38:20 is my final time. I go and get water. I get a banana. I try not to fall over/pass out/puke. I am sore but I did it. Hell, two days later I'm still sore. But I. Did. It. I ran my first 5K............and I'm doing it again. June 14th - bring on the next one!!!! Maybe I'll actually train this time.....what do you think?
I ran my first 5K on Saturday and I did pretty damn well. I am really proud of myself. Not something you hear out of my mouth very often but I really am. I signed up a week before, I didn't train but I gave it my best effort and I ran it in 38:20. I'm told that is a really great time for someone who isn't a runner and I'll take it.
Now you know me and my mad storytelling skills so here is how it all went down.
5:45a that morning I wake up........to torrential downpours. W.T.F. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. I kept thinking to myself (okay, I might have been talking out loud to myself LOL) you're joking. I'm going to get up off of my lazy ass and run for the first time in my life and THIS is the weather this is going to happen in?! Really?!?!
8a: I'm ready to go and YAY - the rain has stopped! YAHOOOOOO!
8:10a - Gael picks me up and we head out. John and the kids will meet me up there in a little bit.
So we get there and we hang out basically. Turns out the kids started at 8:30a and the adults were starting at 9a. So they do their speeches, they do their ceremonial things and the kids start off. OMG they were the cutest things ever!!! They get to run .6 miles and we all cheered them on. Some of them were SO tiny and I'm not ashamed to say could totally kick my ass in any run, any day of the week. Had I participated in the .6 I'm sure I would have been smoked by every single last one of them. Must be nice to have endless amounts of energy. I don't know what that is like anymore. *sob*
9a rolls around and it's my turn. I'm terrified and I'm wondering where the hell my mind vacationed to when I decided it would be a good idea to say yes and register for this. WTH was I thinking? I'm not a runner. (Scratch that. I wasn't a runner because I'm told I now am.) Anywho. The guns go off - YES, literally, the GUNS WENT OFF. After I wet my pants I took off. Were guns really necessary?! I honestly felt like ducking for cover but I would have been run the hell over by all of the people behind me if I had! So I'm running - wait, I'm RUNNING!!! Nice! Off we go, we're running, it's great. I can't keep this up forever, clearly. I didn't train. So I go a fairly respectable distance and I have to walk. I'm realizing I have a fast walk though because Gael has to jog to keep up with my walk. So we're just trucking away and we get to a point where Gael points and says "Yes Girl! You just passed the 1 mile marker." I literally turn to her and say Excuse me, you are fucking kidding me. She says what, you're doing awesome!! I want to cry. I thought that was the 1 mile LEFT MARKER. OMG. I tell her I can't do it. But of course I keep on going. I'm not stopping, I'm just a big baby and I am hating this. But I'm still running and walking when I need to. Run, walk, jog, rinse, lather, repeat. I do what I need to do and I push through.
I get to where I can see where we need to go to finish and I push through and start running..........down the shoot I go. 38:20 is my final time. I go and get water. I get a banana. I try not to fall over/pass out/puke. I am sore but I did it. Hell, two days later I'm still sore. But I. Did. It. I ran my first 5K............and I'm doing it again. June 14th - bring on the next one!!!! Maybe I'll actually train this time.....what do you think?
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| My first official BIB!!!!! |
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| Tiff and I before the 5K started |
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| Mandy, Tiff and myself - we did it! (they weren't newbies but I was!) |
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| The kids were proud of their Mama. So cute!!! |
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Biopsy...update
BENIGN!
YAHOO!
Found out what a biopsy was like. Hope I never have to do it again. I'm just glad it's over and all is well.
YAHOO!
Found out what a biopsy was like. Hope I never have to do it again. I'm just glad it's over and all is well.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
5-13-08 update
My sister: Cheryl is a mess. So many things have happened but I honestly didn't want to post day after day about things so I've just kind of kept to myself. I'm really scared for her and I HATE how far away she is b/c I'm not there. She has had 5 bypass surgeries so far. They didn't end up taking her whole finger (I have NO idea how the hell they pulled that one off) but they did take the tip of it. She told me that they found a tumor in her left ventricle. They are saying now that they aren't sure that she even has epilepsy. They think the tumor is causing her seizures. Then, yes b/c this is apparantly not enough, I get a call last night saying my sister was rushed to the emergency room. She stopped breathing at work. They had to perform CPR and intubate. She says she remembers being at work and then grabbing her boss's arm b/c she couldn't breathe. Next thing she knew she woke up in the hospital with a tube down her throat. They took it out yest afternoon and I was able to talk to her last night. I was crying after I hung up b/c she sounds like an 80yr old stroke victim. I wish I could describe it to you guys but she can't even talk normally. She talks all "hitchy." It took forever for her to get out 4 to 5 words. They have NO idea what is wrong with her. They did an MRI and a CAT scan and they came back clean so at least we know she didn't have a stroke. But now they need to find out what is wrong. I will try and keep you updated - I just don't want to inundate the board with my bad news.
The kids: are all doing really well. Thank God. Aside from the colds and double ear infections I have no complaints.
Aidan is still PTing. We're finding that poops are a hurdle. He doesn't like to go poop on the potty so he does have some accidents. Not all - but more often than not. He is peeing like a champ now - even *standing up* to pee like daddy - yay!
Ryan is still as fiesty as ever. We're planning his bday party now and he is looking forward to it. He knows he is having a dinosaur party and if you ask him what a dinosaur says he starts roaring lol. He's starting to use more and more words now that the damn nuk is gone too. He is working on his two yr molars right now so he has a fever off and on all the time. He always gets a fever w/teeth.
Erynn is just so sweet. I can't believe I said I never wanted a girl - I'm so glad that changed!!! She is now LOVING the cereal. It is SO damn funny to watch her eat b/c she gets all overexcited and flails around trying to shovel the food in. I'm working on her nighttime schedule now. I'm pretty sure the boys were going to bed at 7p at this point and sleeping until 7a so we need to work on that. Last night she went down about 7p but didn't stay asleep. She went down for good at 830p but was up at 515a with a wet diaper. She ate then, went right back to sleep and is still sleeping now. DH says she'll probably be up again in a half hour or so. I guess I shouldn't complain huh? Her bottom two teeth are *right* there and should be in soon.
DH: He is still without a job. I'm not sure if I ever posted but after he had his surgery and he was out on DB they gave his job away. No notice, no nothing, just called up and said hey, by the way. So he was told he would be on full time DB b/c his Dr wrote a note saying he wasn't fit to return to work. Well, he stopped getting paid DB two months ago and we have no idea why. He has been calling the Ins Co every.single.day for the last 4wks and he is getting the run around from them. He finally got in touch with someone last week who said he was listed in the system and should be rcving checks. Well, guess what. SHE actually asked HIM why he wasn't getting paid! Hello?! YOU are supposed to be paying him - how the hell would he know why he hasn't been? She said she was going to talk to the head of the dept who signed off on it and get back to him. Haven't heard since.
I'm trying really really hard to be positive right now but I feel like I just can't get out from underneath everything. I think I am usually a pretty positive person but right now it's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I could just get some kind of break just long enough to catch my breath I'd be happy. I thank God every day for my kids b/c I *know* I am blessed - they truly are the light of my life. Especially now!
Anyway, that's it with me. THANK YOU if you have read this far. I know it's a lot.
The kids: are all doing really well. Thank God. Aside from the colds and double ear infections I have no complaints.
Aidan is still PTing. We're finding that poops are a hurdle. He doesn't like to go poop on the potty so he does have some accidents. Not all - but more often than not. He is peeing like a champ now - even *standing up* to pee like daddy - yay!
Ryan is still as fiesty as ever. We're planning his bday party now and he is looking forward to it. He knows he is having a dinosaur party and if you ask him what a dinosaur says he starts roaring lol. He's starting to use more and more words now that the damn nuk is gone too. He is working on his two yr molars right now so he has a fever off and on all the time. He always gets a fever w/teeth.
Erynn is just so sweet. I can't believe I said I never wanted a girl - I'm so glad that changed!!! She is now LOVING the cereal. It is SO damn funny to watch her eat b/c she gets all overexcited and flails around trying to shovel the food in. I'm working on her nighttime schedule now. I'm pretty sure the boys were going to bed at 7p at this point and sleeping until 7a so we need to work on that. Last night she went down about 7p but didn't stay asleep. She went down for good at 830p but was up at 515a with a wet diaper. She ate then, went right back to sleep and is still sleeping now. DH says she'll probably be up again in a half hour or so. I guess I shouldn't complain huh? Her bottom two teeth are *right* there and should be in soon.
DH: He is still without a job. I'm not sure if I ever posted but after he had his surgery and he was out on DB they gave his job away. No notice, no nothing, just called up and said hey, by the way. So he was told he would be on full time DB b/c his Dr wrote a note saying he wasn't fit to return to work. Well, he stopped getting paid DB two months ago and we have no idea why. He has been calling the Ins Co every.single.day for the last 4wks and he is getting the run around from them. He finally got in touch with someone last week who said he was listed in the system and should be rcving checks. Well, guess what. SHE actually asked HIM why he wasn't getting paid! Hello?! YOU are supposed to be paying him - how the hell would he know why he hasn't been? She said she was going to talk to the head of the dept who signed off on it and get back to him. Haven't heard since.
I'm trying really really hard to be positive right now but I feel like I just can't get out from underneath everything. I think I am usually a pretty positive person but right now it's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I could just get some kind of break just long enough to catch my breath I'd be happy. I thank God every day for my kids b/c I *know* I am blessed - they truly are the light of my life. Especially now!
Anyway, that's it with me. THANK YOU if you have read this far. I know it's a lot.
Update 6-12-07
I'll try and keep this brief! LOL
Let's see - I'm 15+wks pg and everything is great. Had an appt last Monday and finally heart baby's heartbeat. Not sure if I even posted but at my last appt they couldn't find the hb but thought that it was just positioning. HR was 160 and all is looking great. We find out if we're having an Eryn or an Owen on July 3rd. They are testing me early for GD this time around - I have to go in and do the drink on July 5th. Ugh. I don't want to be dieting that long! I'm hoping I don't have it this pg.
PTing update: going pretty well so far. I got home from work last night and Aidan was running around in just a tshirt. No undies and no accidents! My SIL had been taking him to the potty for most of the afternoon every 15min or so and having him sit on it. I put him in underwear when I got home and let him run around. We let him go outside and SIL asked if he wanted to pee on the flowers. After running back and forth w/nothing happening he finally said Kellie, I pee on the flowers! He ran up to the house, pulled down his underpants and peed on the flowers!! YAY! You would have thought that we just won a million dollars w/all the screaming he did. He was SO proud of himself and ran around the yard like a crazy man. So far so good. We had a poop accident but hey, it's day one so what can I expect?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Taking a break 9-10-06
I just wanted to let you all know that I am going to be MIA for a little while.
This has been the hardest weekend of my entire life and I realize I have too much on my plate right now.
Things with my Mom have taken a really bad corner and I didn't know just how bad she was. I need to spend as much time with her as I can so I can bring her back to her normal self. I know I am being obtuse and I apologize. To be dead honest I am so flustered and just so out of whack that I don't know how to explain. I am numb.
I have always been the "go to" person for my family, my friends, everyone. I don't ask ppl for help - I'm the one they all go to FOR help. For once in my life I realize that this is too much weight on my shoulders and I don't think I can do it alone. I feel like I am being torn from all sides and I need to make sure that it doesn't happen b/c my Mom needs me now more than ever.
I will try to keep up with posts and post when I can but it may be a while. I just didn't want to disappear and have you all wondering. I am going to be okay.
If anyone needs (or wants) to contact me my email is cf9801@yahoo.com
Just know that I you girls and I'll be thinking of all of you.
This has been the hardest weekend of my entire life and I realize I have too much on my plate right now.
Things with my Mom have taken a really bad corner and I didn't know just how bad she was. I need to spend as much time with her as I can so I can bring her back to her normal self. I know I am being obtuse and I apologize. To be dead honest I am so flustered and just so out of whack that I don't know how to explain. I am numb.
I have always been the "go to" person for my family, my friends, everyone. I don't ask ppl for help - I'm the one they all go to FOR help. For once in my life I realize that this is too much weight on my shoulders and I don't think I can do it alone. I feel like I am being torn from all sides and I need to make sure that it doesn't happen b/c my Mom needs me now more than ever.
I will try to keep up with posts and post when I can but it may be a while. I just didn't want to disappear and have you all wondering. I am going to be okay.
If anyone needs (or wants) to contact me my email is cf9801@yahoo.com
Just know that I you girls and I'll be thinking of all of you.
Update 8-8-08
Hi girls,
I miss all of you so much!!! I've been trying to catch up on posts but after missing more than a week it might take me forever. I'll catch up and reply as soon as I can.
Well, we buried my MIL on Friday and I don't think I stopped crying all day. I still have my moments but for the most part we are ALL doing okay. Everyone is just glad she is not suffering anymore. The last day and a half she was completely unresponsive. The last time she opened her eyes on Sunday was when DH leaned Aidan over to give her a kiss goodnight. She opened her eyes right up and looked at him but that was the last time. She died Monday at 4:11pm with all of us right there. I was holding her hand, FIL was holding her other hand. I fully believe her spirit had left Sunday night. I don't know if y'all think I'm whacked but that is honestly what I believe. FIL is doing much better than any of us anticipated and I'm so relieved to say that.
I've been busy as hell over here trying to clear up all of MIL's paperwork with my FIL and SIL. (who, by the way, has turned a completely new leaf - I have no clue what happened to the d-bag I've known for the last 6 yrs.) Yesterday was spent getting my FIL all set up w/new bank accts and tomorrow will be safe deposit box retrieval among other things. I can't believe how much there is to do!
Unfortunately things are still crappy in my other affairs. My Mom is back in Mass General Hospital with Congestive Heart Failure and Renal Failure. She has been in there for over a week now. I'm praying just as hard as I can for her to get better and go back to the Rehabilitation hosp. If you could spare a few prayers I would greatly appreciate it - seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders these days.
In happier news the boys are doing FANTASTIC! Aidan is still a big boy bed sleeper and he has done amazingly well. He has only climbed out of his bed twice and it was the last two nights - I think part of it is what is going on around here with my MIL's passing. He'll wake up screaming and climb out but just once per night and then it's rock for a few min and right back to bed. He has THREE new words too - I am SO excited b/c I was really getting worried about him not talking so much. No, Yes and Trash. LMAO. Ryan is getting SO big - I need to get to my gf's house so I can weigh him again. I'm still bfing but it's getting harder as I'm barely making enough for him. I'm going to keep it up though as long as I can. He is definitely a little piggy - double chin firmly established and all. I will post pics asap.
I'm going to end here or I'll be typing all day. TY if you have made it this far. I hope to be back on tonight since DH goes back to work.
and (((HUGS)))
I miss all of you so much!!! I've been trying to catch up on posts but after missing more than a week it might take me forever. I'll catch up and reply as soon as I can.
Well, we buried my MIL on Friday and I don't think I stopped crying all day. I still have my moments but for the most part we are ALL doing okay. Everyone is just glad she is not suffering anymore. The last day and a half she was completely unresponsive. The last time she opened her eyes on Sunday was when DH leaned Aidan over to give her a kiss goodnight. She opened her eyes right up and looked at him but that was the last time. She died Monday at 4:11pm with all of us right there. I was holding her hand, FIL was holding her other hand. I fully believe her spirit had left Sunday night. I don't know if y'all think I'm whacked but that is honestly what I believe. FIL is doing much better than any of us anticipated and I'm so relieved to say that.
I've been busy as hell over here trying to clear up all of MIL's paperwork with my FIL and SIL. (who, by the way, has turned a completely new leaf - I have no clue what happened to the d-bag I've known for the last 6 yrs.) Yesterday was spent getting my FIL all set up w/new bank accts and tomorrow will be safe deposit box retrieval among other things. I can't believe how much there is to do!
Unfortunately things are still crappy in my other affairs. My Mom is back in Mass General Hospital with Congestive Heart Failure and Renal Failure. She has been in there for over a week now. I'm praying just as hard as I can for her to get better and go back to the Rehabilitation hosp. If you could spare a few prayers I would greatly appreciate it - seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders these days.
In happier news the boys are doing FANTASTIC! Aidan is still a big boy bed sleeper and he has done amazingly well. He has only climbed out of his bed twice and it was the last two nights - I think part of it is what is going on around here with my MIL's passing. He'll wake up screaming and climb out but just once per night and then it's rock for a few min and right back to bed. He has THREE new words too - I am SO excited b/c I was really getting worried about him not talking so much. No, Yes and Trash. LMAO. Ryan is getting SO big - I need to get to my gf's house so I can weigh him again. I'm still bfing but it's getting harder as I'm barely making enough for him. I'm going to keep it up though as long as I can. He is definitely a little piggy - double chin firmly established and all. I will post pics asap.
I'm going to end here or I'll be typing all day. TY if you have made it this far. I hope to be back on tonight since DH goes back to work.
and (((HUGS)))
Update 5-31-06
Hi girls,
Things are pretty good so far over here. Aidan is adjusting to being a big brother with almost no problem. He is a little clingy sometimes with John and I and a little whiney but nothing major. (We just saw his four "filler" teeth that had yet to come in all just popped through so I'm hoping that has something to do with it) He is always looking for Ryan and very protective. He is VERY gentle with him too so far which is a godsend. Today Ryan was taking a nap and John and Aidan were watchign tv in Aidan's room so I went to check in on them and Aidan looked up and shrugged like "where is my brother?" LOL. It's great.
On the Ryan front - good LORD he is a pig! All he does is eat eat eat. Last night he was eating every HOUR from 10pm to 3:30am. I am so freaking exhausted. Is this normal?!? Aidan wasn't like this at all. And I'm not talking about nibbling for just a min or two either - I'm talking hard core eating:
At 10pm he bf for 40min, then had a 2oz bottle at 11pm (I pump in between him eating so I have some backup in case we need it), then 25min on the boob at 12:15, then 3oz btl at 1:30am, then 25min bf at 2:30am, and another 2oz btl at 3:10am. Seriously girls, is this normal?
I'm waiting to see how he does tonight. My boobs are killing me from the bfing but what can I do. I'm going to pump again in a few considering he went through almost my whole back up supply last night alone. Luckily I have 3X as much milk as I did with Aidan this time around so I'm able to keep pumping and bfing as well.
That's all for now - I'm going to catch up on what I'm missing around here!
Update 4-11-06
Okay girls - I know I haven't been on as much in the last few days. I've been swamped at work and everything just seeems to hit the fan the same time around here.
I appreciate whoever it is up there who thinks I can handle ALL of this crap (at 34wks pg no less lol) but I'd love a break sometime soon!!!
My sister:
Quick update is that she is having surgery on Thursday. She got hurt and needs surgery to correct what happened. It's pretty bad but I don't want to go into any further detail if that is okay.
Update on my MIL:
They drained over 1 liter of fluid from around her lungs on Friday that had a very high protein count in it which we were told might indicate a malignancy. BUT!! We got the results today and YAY there were no malignant cells in the fluid. She'll be having sugery tomorrow to remove her thyroid (she has a huge goiter on it that is growing all the way under her collarbone) and then they will do a lung biopsy at the same time. We went and saw her on Sat and she seems in good spirits - just tired b/c of all the testing. We haven't been able to see her since Sat for 2 reasons - they injected her with the nuclear medicine on Sunday and the other half yesterday (her IV has been in for so long her veins are starting to shrink so they could only do 1/2 at a time) so she won't let me come up b/c she isn't sure how it might effect me or Ryan. The OTHER reason why we haven't been able to get up...........................................
(and this is what I mean by more crap!!)
DH had a fever since Sat and Sun night it got up to 104.2. He REFUSED to go to the hospital so I made him stand in a cold shower for 20min to get his fever down and he was pissed at me lol. It went down to 103. I made him drink 2 bottles of water and 2 big mugs of tea (b/c he was cold) andI was up all night taking his temp every two hours. It dropped to 99.4 at 4am so I thought his fever had broken and we were in the clear but when I left for work yesterday it was back up to 101.2. He called his Dr yesterday morning b/c his fever went back up again to 102.3. They told him his fever had been too high for too long and he needed to go to Urgent Care in the hosp to be seen. They couldn't do anything for him in the office. So he went to UC and they took his temp - back to 103 so they sent him directly to the ER. He was there all day. (SIL took Aidan for the day - shocker) He had a chest Xray done, all kinds of blood work and they started antibiotics. Final diagnosis: Viral Pneumonia. He got home around 5pm last night with a prescription for a Zpak and was told to keep hydrated, eat plenty of soup etc. I had to monitor myself yesterday b/c I had a fever of 99.8 and with my being pg I wasn't sure how high was TOO high for me. I called my midwife to check and she told me if I reached 100.2 then I needed to call them immediately. Thank God - so far so good. I have been keeping myself hydrated and watching my temps and I am okay. Hasn't gotten that high yet.
Soooooooooooooooo that is the update on me. Sorry this got so long! Please continue prayers for my MIL and sister - I really appreciate them!!! (and if you could get anyone to give me a break that would be nice too! )
Friday, January 23, 2009
Dislocated knee
4-14-05
As if there weren't enough disabled ppl in this house right now.
I fell this morning. I dislocated my right knee. I have to keep my leg in an immobilizer and I"m on crutches for a week. Then I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon next Thurs to see if I tore anything and if I'll need surgery.
The worst part - I am an AWFUL mother. I was carrying Aidan to put him down for a nap when it happened. I went to take DH's work pager off the chair and must have twisted wrong b/c I fell between the chair and the ottoman. THANK GOD I was able to put Aidan down on the ottoman as I was falling. He didn't land gently but he didn't land on the ground like I did either. But every time I think of myself almost dropping my baby I start to sob all over again.
As if there weren't enough disabled ppl in this house right now.
I fell this morning. I dislocated my right knee. I have to keep my leg in an immobilizer and I"m on crutches for a week. Then I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon next Thurs to see if I tore anything and if I'll need surgery.
The worst part - I am an AWFUL mother. I was carrying Aidan to put him down for a nap when it happened. I went to take DH's work pager off the chair and must have twisted wrong b/c I fell between the chair and the ottoman. THANK GOD I was able to put Aidan down on the ottoman as I was falling. He didn't land gently but he didn't land on the ground like I did either. But every time I think of myself almost dropping my baby I start to sob all over again.
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