Random Thoughts

Things that have been running through my head lately with all the new things and changes going on:

- filing for divorce is easier when you are NOT doing it amicably.
         WTF is up with that?!?!   Keep a good "working" relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-husband and get completely f*cked over by the system.  Holy mother of God this has been nothing but a pain in the ass.  I'm over it.  My divorce is currently sitting on an effin shelf right now because J and I both have to complete a "parenting course" before they will give us our court date.  I'm sorry, a what the WHAT now?!   I have to take a parenting course to tell me how to be a "good" ex during the divorce and to not talk badly about my ex.   Um, did you see the JOINTLY filing paper I submitted?  Our friends have said we should be the "poster children for divorce" because we are getting along better now than we have in over two years.  (yeah, that happened.....thanks guys LOL)   This is some serious bs I tell ya.  So, needless to say I registered us as fast as I could.  He's going this week and next week and I go the first week of July.  Christ on a cracker.  THEN when we get the completed certificates I can get the damn court date.  Well thankyouverymuch.  Seriously.  If I had gone and filed w out him - I would have my court date already.  Granted it would be over a year from now (my friends court date is FOURTEEN months away) so I guess I shouldn't complain, but still.  ANNOYING.

- I'm actually excited for all of the changes coming up.
          Not scared at all.  Which is amazing because this is some pretty MAJOR stuff happening.  I'm 38 years old, with 3 children and I'm starting all over again.  Who the hell would have thought it?!   Um, not I.  But it's happening.....and I can't wait to just get right down to it.  New house, new life.  Me and the three loves of my life.  My world revolves around these three little people.  Nothing else matters.  Everything I've been through in the last 7 yrs of my marriage no longer matters.  I get to wipe the slate clean.  I don't have to put up with anyone else's bullshit anymore.  I don't have to bury anything anymore.  Ignore.  Cry because I'm so unhappy.  Hide my feelings.  Pretend it's all okay.  Put on a front for people.  It's all over.  No regrets, just lessons learned.  

- I can't wait to find a new place to live.
          I get to downsize.  I get to have a house that is just for me and my littles.  Redecorate.  Set up how I want.  Run it the way I want.  Do what I want.  Let the kids set up the way they want - they are older now, they can have input.  We can do it together....that will help them feel like they are part of it.  It's exciting!  Change isn't always a bad thing.  I'm looking forward to it.

- Friends / who is there.
          It's so funny to me who has been there vs who hasn't been there through everything that has been going on over the last 6 mon or so.  I get text messages on the daily from people I would never expect from............keeping in touch, checking in on me, making sure I have plans when it's not my weekend or night with the kids, etc.  Then there are people I  never hear from that I would hear from daily before all of this.  Not complaining, just stating a fact.  It's okay, we're all busy.  It's just interesting who is there when you go through something major.  Happened last year when I had my surgery too.  

-  I am FAR too old for couch surfing.
          During this fabulous (insert heavy sarcasm here) time of transition I have been staying with my brother every other weekend.  OMG it's hell on earth.  I sleep on a couch and I am WAY too f*cking old for that shit.  I get NO sleep.  It's so uncomfortable.  I have to ask permission to come/go b/c they won't give me my own set of keys to the apartment.  (don't even get me started on that)   There is no food in the house so if they are gone I'm trapped for the day with nothing to eat.  If I leave, I'll be locked out until one of them comes home.  It sucks.  I've resorted to staying at a hotel on some nights just to avoid it.  That's the plan for my next weekend - I'm staying at a hotel on the Friday night b/c my last weekend was just SO bad.  They aren't getting along to boot so that just adds to the already shitty situation.  I can't wait to move on with the house so I can get my own place w the kids and I won't have to move out of my house every other weekend.  I can just STAY home.  

- Dating.
          Now, I will say this.........this TERRIFIES me.  OMG I can't even lie.  Thinking about it scares the ever loving shit out of me.  Let's be perfectly honest here.  I have been 100%, absolutely, completely fucked over by every.single.guy in my life starting with my own father.  How's that for a track record???  So putting myself out there and opening up to someone again?   Sooooo not something I'm going to want to do.   BUT, and this is where I'm sure people will judge and have opinions............b/c it's human nature and we ALL do it.............(I don't care what you say, you're doing it right now)........my marriage has been over for a LONG time.  We both admit that.   So I'm going to want to start dating.  Yep, it's going to happen.  I deserve to be happy too.  My kids make me happy, absolutely.  But when I'm not with them I'm going to want to date.  I will need adult interaction with more than just my girlfriends.  Gasp!  Yes, I said it.  It's going to happen.  But just because I said it doesn't mean it doesn't scare me.  I'm damaged goods.  How do I learn to trust again??

- Tattoo.
           Truly random.  I cannot WAIT for my next tattoo.  I've already picked it out already know where it's going.  I'm getting a lotus flower design on the left side of my body.  Lotus flowers stand for rebirth, starting over, overcoming hard times, etc.  Perfect for this next stage of my life.  I've thought about this next tattoo for months and I can't wait to get it done!

Think that's about all I've got for now.  Truly random thoughts for a Wednesday afternoon.