Longest break ever!

How the hell do I come back after 3 months of not blogging?   JC.  I don't even know where to start.  It was a busy / hellish / long 3 months.  I feel like I should do a separate post for each kid.  So I will because this is my blog and I can.

Okay, let's get this party started.......I had my surgery on July 25th.  It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life.  I was so ashamed of myself, I can't even lie.  I've had surgeries........(here's the TMI but this is my blog and you'll just have to flipping deal with it HA!) two separate breast surgeries to remove 5 tumors, 3 children (one where the epidural never kicked in), a needle biopsy they had to do 3 times to get what they needed and a partial hysterectomy that couldn't be done laproscopically so I have a full on 6in c-section scar.  Plus one other surgery that I really won't make you hear about b/c it's even too TMI for me.   I was so NOT prepared for the amount of pain I got from an effing KNEE.   RUKIDDING ME?!  I felt like the damn thing had been amputated.  It was ridiculous.  Then there was the humiliation.  I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting help because I couldn't get out of bed.  It was horrible.  Talk about humbling.  I never want to go through anything like that again.   It's still not over.  Three months later and I'm just starting to go up / down stairs the regular way, I'm in Physical Therapy 2x a week and I'm still not able to do a lot of things that I absolutely took for granted.  I will get random sharp, shooting pains through my kneecap, a burning sensation through my scar and my knee will lock up and then release with a huge POP sound that other people can hear.  But, I keep reminding myself that I am ONLY three months out from surgery.  PT and my surgeon keep telling me how amazed they are with my progress, how they see some people that still can't even bend their knee all the way like I am more than capable of doing at this point.  Yesterday I wore my first pair of heels since JUNE!   Now that, my friends, was a major milestone for me.  I am a HUGE fan of heels.  Not wearing them for the past four months has almost killed me.  (yes, dramatic, I admit but again, this is my blog)  I wasn't able to wear my absolute favorite pair of wedges all summer and I wanted to cry.  But, drama aside, I made it through.   Now we're into fall which brings dresses and knee high boots.  So, like I said, yesterday I put on my first pair of heels.  I had PT and an ortho check up and they were both happy and impressed to see I was pulling off the boots so progress is progress and I'll just keep swimming!

Work.  Well, this has been a banner month.  I found out that my entire team is being packed up and shipped to Geneva.  You might say YAY!  That's amazing, what a great life experience!!  I would absolutely, 100% agree with you.  (and hell yes, we would have moved!!)  IF I were eligible to go.  But, alas, I am too far down on that totem pole to be considered to relo.   So, I'm stuck with no job.  Displaced as they say.  But, on the upside, I was told that I am "top rated" and they will not let top rated people leave.  So, it looks like I will get *some* kind of job.  Just not sure what that will be.   I'm VERY realistic though and I'm 99% sure it's going to be a demotion b/c there just aren't any EA positions open on our campus.  That's just the reality.  Reality sucks b/c I've been there for 14 years and it took me all that time to get to EA.   However, I won't give up and when an EA role does open, I'll go for it.  As long as I land on my feet then that's all that matters, right?  Starting over somewhere else after all this time would be my nightmare.

Home.  Kids are awesome.  Absolute lights of my life and my reason for being.  Like I said, I'm going to post separately about them b/c they have so much going on.  They keep me going every single day.  John and I are having growing pains right now.  I don't know how else to put it.  We've been really lucky the last 13 years b/c we've never had any real issues.  That's a blessing.  No marriage is perfect, including ours, that is 100% true.  Everyone has their issues, including us.  But we've never had any real issues.  I guess now it's our turn?  I don't know.  That's all I'm really going to say about that though b/c even though this is my blog I'm still not one to blast my business all over the place.  Everything happens for a reason and I'm confident that no matter what everything will work out however it's supposed to.  

Friends/Life.  Surgery was a real eye opener for me.  I had people checking in on me every.single.day that I didn't expect it from and people that I thought for sure I would hear from never checked in.  Now I am NOT a drama queen at all, not in the least. I don't expect ANYONE to stop for me.  EVER.  That's just not how I live at all and anyone who knows me, knows this.  If we make plans and you need to canx last min, shit happens honey, it's okay.  And I won't hold a grudge!  Now I know I did not have heart surgery, I had knee surgery.   But I still had surgery.   A text message, a FB note, a phone call, vm, anything would have been appropriate.  I"m  not looking for your undivided attention.  Hell no and I would have hated it.   But just a simple checking on you would have been okay.  I was shocked when I didn't hear anything at all from some.  But then random coworkers that I NEVER expected to hear from were texting me!  WHAT?!   I got flowers from people I never would have expected them from.  It was like some crazy, upside down/backwards day.   But, it is what it is.  You learn things, you take them in and you move on.   That's just all you can do.  I've made some new friends and had some new connections that have amazed me.   Like instant, soulmate type stuff which is crazy to me.  We went to a football fundraiser a couple of months ago and I randomly made a comment to this woman that was standing next to me and now we're hanging out with her, her husband and their kids multiple times a month.  We have SO much in common with them - instant click.  The funniest part - their kids weren't even playing football.  They just went to the fundraiser b/c friends of theirs told them they should go b/c it would be fun.  How crazy is that?  See, everything happens for a reason.  

So, I guess that's my update in a very long rant.  The gist of it anyway.  There's always more but who has time for that ish?   ;-)

Falling apart and a fabulous new accessory

It's official.

I'm falling apart.  Or snapping, tearing, stretching, whatever.  It's all the same isn't it?  I refuse to say I'm getting old because you are only as old as you feel and I don't feel old most days.  

Until last weekend.  (well, a week and a half almost)

I'm tickling my middle......Ryan.  Yes people, I said tickling.  Who knew that laughing and tickling your son could be such a dangerous thing to do!!  Watch out people!   So, I'm tickling, he's trying to escape, he slides over juuuuust ride and BAM!   My knee pops out.  But it doesn't pop back in.  Oh no, it's not going to be that easy.  I pick him up, lightly toss him over to my left and I start yelling.  Not at the top of my lungs but my voice is most definitely raised.  I'm yelling for my husband and I'm telling him that my knee is out.  I am absolutely in agonizing pain.  I look down and you can quite clearly see, through my jeans, that my knee is out to the side of my left leg to the point that my jeans are completely distorted.  John is telling me he's calling 911.   Now, not my finest moment but I yell NO!  We can't afford the $600 ambulance bill!   He says what do you want me to do???   I tell him I'm going to try and fix it.   No, not because I'm a badass.  But because this isn't my first rodeo.   This is the 5th time I've dislocated this particular knee.  To be fair, it's been 8 years since the last time.   Also, I might as well say the last time I landed in the ER and I came out with a hip to thigh immobilizer along with Physical Therapy for 8 weeks.  But I'm keeping it honest here.   So, as I said, I've been down this road before.  So I bend my knee (screaming) and I kick my leg out.   Damnit.   This knee isn't going ANYWHERE and it now feels like someone is jabbing a white hot poker through my kneecap.   Shitshitshit.   I try to shimmy myself down off the couch.  Agony.  Yup, we're calling the ambulance.  

It literally takes them about 4 min to get there.  They assess the situation.  I'm sobbing, although trying to keep it together because I don't want to scare my kids.  They don't see me cry.  Ryan is crying and holding on to his teddy bear for dear life because of course he feels responsible.   EMT's have to cut off my jeans.  (this is noteworthy b/c of course they are my "skinny" days jeans and my favorite pair to boot.  Effers.)   They strap my knee into an immobilizer, put me on a body board to get me out the door and then they put me on a stretcher.  Into the ambulance and off to the ER I go.

At the ER they load me up with Morphine and get me comfortable.   My knee gets put back in place.  I get xrays.  Nothing is broken.   Well, thank God for that - imagine the strength of my son's booty if he BROKE a bone?  Oh my.   I'm given the immobilizer, two prescriptions and the number for an Orthopedic surgeon to follow up with on Monday because the Dr that saw me in the ER listened to my history and told me that, unfortunately, he thinks I'm going to have to have surgery.   Super.

Fast forward to Ortho on Thursday.  He examines my knee, is poking, prodding, pulling at it.  He looks at my knees side by side and tells me that my left knee isn't even located where it should be on my leg anymore.   Me, being the wiseass that I am, look down and tell him it looks okay to me.   He laughs.  I say but, then again, I'm not the one who went to school for this.  He laughs again.   He said I like your style.  I said hey, if you can't laugh it's a pretty sad life.   He starts manipulating my knee again and I started to tense up.  He asked if it hurt and I said it does but you're freaking me out right now because I'm feeling like it's going to dislocate again.  He said oh yeah, I could pull it out right now if I wanted to.   I said please don't!!   He said he thinks I've torn my PCL but the MRI will confirm.  He said I don't want to ruin your day.  I said I'm a straightshooter, just tell me.  He's 99.9% sure that I'm going to need surgery.   I said look, I'm 37 years old and I have 3 young children.  I want and need to be able to play with them.  I'm not 90, I have a long life in front of me.  Let's just do this.   He said I love it!   Let's get you  your MRI, get the results to confirm what I already know and get this done.  I said great - laproscopic, right?    Then he crushed my world to shit.  Ohhhhhhh.....no.   Um, say what now?   No, no laproscopic for you.   With this kind of injury and the placement of your patella there is just too much to do.  We're going to need to make a 3-4 in incision "here," we're going to drill two holes into your bones "here," and we're going to cut the muscles on the other side of your patella "here" that are pulling too tightly and causing your patella to dislocate so easily.   Well alrighty then.   

So, there you have it.  When everything is all said and done though I'm going to have some kick ass battle scars to show and a knee that will never pop out again!   There's something to be said for chicks with scars.   They're hardcore!!  ;-)

Annnnnd - my new fabulous accessory!   I'll have this bad boy until the end of the summer.   My kids think I look like a robot or a bionic woman.  I'll take it!  (silver linings here people, it's all about perspective - right?)

LASIK

So, I finally did it!! I had LASIK surgery last Thursday! After talking about it for over two years I finally did it. It went really well and I was freaked out for no reason. I want to remember what it was like so I'm going to write it all out. Feel free to skip this post. ;o)

I go in for my check up, have all kinds of testing done and I'm a "perfect" candidate. The surgery is scheduled for 3 wks later.

Day of Surgery

I go in at 815am. I sit around for a bit and then I'm checked in. I get all of my post op instructions, eye drops, Xanax and 1000mg of Tylenol. I'm brought into the "relaxation room" to let the Xanax kick in. It doesn't really make me feel any different at all but I have a *very* high tolerance to meds so I'm not surprised. I just go with it. I'm given numbing eye drops three separate times and I'm ready to go in.

I go into the room - which is all glass - and John is escorted to a chair right outside of the room. There is a TV monitor there as well so he got to see the entire surgery. They lay me down on the table and tell me to look up at the halo of lights. My vision is fuzzy so I just stare up. the nurse tells me look up, look down and they insert the speculum. (Seriously, it's called a speculum. Not sure whose brilliant idea that was b/c we all know where the other speculum goes!!!) It didn't hurt at all and I only know it was in b/c I couldn't shut my eye anymore. Then the Dr puts what John called a big suction cup on my eyeball. Again, it didn't hurt at all. Just a ton of pressure. They tell me stare straight up, that they are going to start. This first segment is when they laser cut the flap that the second laser will work under. On my left eye it did hurt but not from the laser. When the machine came down it pressed right on the suction cup which then pressed something, I assume the speculum, into my cheekbone and it HURT. I kept flinching. But, that part is only 15 seconds (literally) long and I was fine. Rinse, lather, repeat for my right eye (less the pain b/c that one was put in right) and I'm done with the first segment.

Second segment is the actual corrective laser. The whole table moves over to the right now I'm under a different machine. They tell me to just look up at the green dot but hello?! They just cut a flap in my eyeball and are holding it open. I can't see squat!!! The machine comes down and finally, I can faintly see the green light. Score, I'm just going to stare at it. They tell me this next part will be 23 seconds and I'll hear a clacking. Yep, I hear it. What they don't tell you about is the smell. Oh my. I had *heard* that it smelled like hair in the hairdryer - you know how that sometimes happens. What I didn't hear is that no, it's worse than that and it lasts the entire 23 seconds. No, not a very long amount of time in retrospect, but when you are under that laser and smelling it it is!! The clacking stops and they are done with the left eye. At this point the Dr smooths the flap back down. I can only compare this to a paintbrush. I could tell he was doing it and it was helping to clear my vision. On to the right eye. This time I knew what was coming so when they said "okay, 23 seconds" I held my breath. NO problem. Laser, smooth eye flap back down and I'm done! Dr Neilsen has me go ahead and sit up and immediately there is a chick in my face with a Polaroid camera. Um, okay. Smile. She puts that one down and grabs a digital. Smile. LOVE the bonnet.

Dr Nielsen says, "look at the clock and tell me what time it is" I say "9:27" Yup, it's that easy.

I'm told to go home and sleep as LONG as possible. That if I don't my eyes are going to feel really bad - like I have onions in them. Okay, no problem. I go home and John takes the kids (and the dog LOL) and he goes to run errands with his Dad. Ahhh, sleep. Crap. I wake up an hour and a half later. O.M.G. I now completely understand WHY they were so adamant about sleeping. But it's not onions. Oh no, not even close. It feels like I have ground up glass in my eyes. Holy. I get up and walk downstairs, with my hands over my eyes b/c it's too bright and very painful, and I get my eye drops and another 1000mg of Tylenol. I go back upstairs, put the goggles back on and try to go back to sleep. It takes a while and my eyes are *streaming* with tears. It hurt, but not enough to make me cry. I really think it was my eyes trying to lubricate themselves and stay moist. I finally fall back asleep and wake up 3 hours later. I. Feel. Great!!! NO more pain at all and I can see the clock clear across the room!! Things were, and still are, a bit hazy but that is to be expected. I have 4 different kinds of eye drops I have to use 4 times a day for a week. One of them is literally just like Milk so I'm sure that is where the haze comes from.

Post op check up was the next day. I went in and they tested my vision - 20/20. YAHOOO!! They are very impressed that my eyes aren't red or bloodshot at all. Um, thanks. They ask if I see halos around lights and I say I do and I'm told that is normal and should go away with time. My coworker was kind enough to tell me that it took her friend EIGHT MONTHS to lose the halo. Yikes. Thanks for that. Regardless, it was all worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I definitely recommend it to anyone who has been thinking about it!!!!

Second surgery 9-10-08

Posted by Steph
John left a vm saying everything went well but she's in a lot of pain. I'll let you guys know if I hear anything tomorrow. I'm not sure if she'll be answering her phone. Tons of get well soon vibes and (((Hugs))) for my bbff!

Update
She is still in a lot of pain. She said the drugs aren't doing crap. She's not sure if she's coming home tomorrow or Saturday. Just keep sending the get well soon vibes and pain-free vibes would help too!


My Update
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and wishes. I really appreciate them.

I can honestly say I was in no way, shape or form prepared for this kind of pain. Amy tried to warn me but omg. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Childbirth was nothing compared to this. After all was said and done I had a total of 6 different procedures during my surgery. Tonight is the first time I have been even up to getting on my laptop which says a lot lol.

I'm still hanging in bed for the most part but I am getting up and about to walk around a bit. Yes, I am listening to Dr's orders and still not picking up the kids and taking it easy.....I promise. I really can't do a lot anyway b/c the pain is still bad. I'm hoping it lets up soon. I have stitches all over the damn place and a few I need to ask the Dr about b/c I have NO clue what they are for. I won't get into details - I'll spare you that.

Anyway, that's all. I just wanted to check in, say thank you and let you know I'm hanging in there. Nothing to do now but go forward right?

New Surgeon 8-15-08

Definitely not the news I was hoping for or even expecting.

I'll try and keep this short and easy.
So we know my bladder had fallen - blah blah - no surprise. I went to see the specialist and they did an internal. Turns out my bladder, my uterus AND my cervix have all fallen down. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being worst) my bladder is an 8 and my cervix/uterus are a 7. My rectum (SO SORRY - I HATE that word) is at a 1. Thank God. But the next thing to happen is my bladder and uterus would pull my rectum out b/c apparantly they are all connected. I had no idea.

Bottom line.
I am having a hysterectomy and another bladder surgery. Uterus will be removed through my stomach. Everything else will be done through my bad (not good anymore since she can't seem to hold her shit in) girl. They will put in mesh that will attach to my tailbone to hold my bladder back up in place. From now until 3 MONTHS after my surgery I cannot lift anything more than 5lbs. Not b/c of the pain but b/c any lifting after surgery could cause my bladder to fall again and I'd need more surgery. I will have to go to Physical Therapy (um for what?! how do you do PT on a bladder for crying out loud? LOL) for an undecided length of time after surgery to try and strengthen everything as much as possible in an attempt to try and stop this from happening again. I will be out of work for 6-8wks. Oh. My. I certainly wasn't expecting that.

My surgery is Sept 10th. Yes, NC girls, as far as I know I am still going to NC. I guess one positive is it looks like I'll still be in recovery from my surgery so I won't have to use Vacation days from work to come anymore. Downside is I can't imagine not picking my kids up for the next 4 months. But I know I HAVE to listen to my Dr b/c things could only get worse. Ugh. I have to go for a bladder test next Friday to make sure that I'm not leaking any urine. Right now b/c my bladder is protruding from my bad girl they can't tell if I have any tears or issues. I have to have a test to check this b/c they'd obviously want to repair while they were putting it back into place.

That is all I guess. I could use some good luck - maybe we'll win big in Vegas??? I can dream anyway right?

ER Visit 3-25-08

It's back to the surgeon for me tomorrow.

Went to the bathroom tonight (not straining or anything) and when I sat up the toilet was full of bright red blood. I stood up and blood was running out of me. John and I left immediately for the ER. After 4 hrs and 3 very painful internal exams they could not determine the cause of my bleeding. I'm on bedrest until I can get in to see my surgeon - I have to call him first thing.

Hopefully I'll catch a break soon!!

Complete 3-24-08

Hi everyone!

Thank you all for your well wishes. I am hanging in there. The surgery went well - took about two hours. My Dr did tell me that I will need to have another "somewhere down the road." I asked why and he said the muscle and tissue quality was not what he was expecting to find in a 31yr old and that is probably why my bladder fell. I asked if this was my fault and he said no, just how I was born. Phew! I was worried that I did it to myself lol.

My belly is sore from my tubal and I am MUCH sorer "downtown" than I ever expected. I can equate the pain to when I had Aidan and he tore me ass to elbow. My Dr explained that they went in through the front to cut the muscle and tissue, put my bladder back where it belonged and then sewed the muscle and tissue back together. What I didn't realize is that the posterior repair involved cutting me from front to back. Like an episiotomy. That sucks. So I feel like I went into the hosp to deliver a baby but came out with nothing lol.

I'm feeling better each day and just trying to take it easy. At least I can check in from my laptop while laying in bed lol.

Update 3-18-08

My surgery is on Friday. I know it's not as major as her surgery but it is still major surgery. I've only had two surgeries in my life. One in '99 to remove two tumors from my left breast and the other in '02 to remove three more tumors from my left breast. These were obviously before I had kids. You know how everything is different when you have kids. I KNOW I am going to be fine through my surgery but I can't help the what if's. My biggest fear is something happening and leaving my kids behind. Esp with them so young b/c they wouldn't even know me. That breaks my heart. I promise I am going to go in there with a positive attitude and I know I am going to be okay but I'm still really scared and really nervous. I just can't help it.

I'm NOT one to talk about my feelings so I haven't really talked to anyone about this. Just posting it here is a huge step for me. I did have a mini meltdown the other day sobbing to DH b/c I was snappy with him (b/c of all of this weighing on me) and he yelled at me to cut the shit. I finally broke down and told him how scared I was for my surgery and that until I wake up fine then I'm going to be nervous and that is why I have been so "off" for the last week. He said he understood but then he just swept it under the rug. No one is asking me how I feel about it - they just expect me to keep holding all of them up. I'm sad too b/c I'm not going to be all up and about for Easter. I had to ask my brother to come and cook dinner b/c SIL is doing it for her family and FIL at her house. Thanks a lot bitch, don't worry about us over here. (sorry, I'm bitter) There is more to the story there but I don't want to weigh all of you down with that too.

I'll stop there. Can I ask you all to say a quick prayer for my sister tomorrow and be selfish and ask for one for myself on Friday? I just want us both to get through this and move on. Thank you if you got this far - I know it's a lot.

It's definite

I am definitely having surgery. I was examined by the surgeon yesterday afternoon. There was good news and bad news. Good news - it's not my uterus hanging out. Bad news - it's my bladder hanging out. I don't have to have the partial hysterectomy right now. He did tell me that that's not to say I won't need one in the future but he doesn't want to start out with that right away. Right now I have to wear a "pessory" to help hold everything up. It's a ring that I have to insert and wear all day. I can take it out at night. I HATE it but what can I do. The procedure he will perform is called an "Anterior and Posterior Repair." From what I gleaned (this guy is REALLY hard to talk to - dry as damn toast) they will go in and repair my muscle walls so that they come back together and hold my bladder where it should be. My surgery is March 21st at 8am. I'll either spend one night or the entire weekend in the hospital. I'm *praying* that I am able to go back to work on March 31st as scheduled. I'm not ready to but fianancially I have to.

3-5-08 might need surgery

A couple of the girls on here already know this but I am going to see a surgeon tomorrow about possibly having surgery. Not by choice. I just found out today that I have a prolapsed uterus. Apparantly having Erynn was too much strain on my body and my uterus is literally falling out of me. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this but I haven't even posted b/c I feel like all I do is post bad news and I don't want you guys to think I am making it up. I feel like I'm always posting about bad things around here.

My midwife told me today that a partial hysterectomy is the best route. Apparantly the prolapse is pretty advanced. She had me stand up during my exam and it was *right there* She kept saying how sorry she was but what can I do.

I'm sad that the *final* decision is just taken away from me. I still haven't had my tubal - I had decided to wait a while. But what's meant to be will be. I have three beautiful, healthy children and I am very thankful for them. If I have to have the partial like my midwife thinks then it is happening for a reason and I will deal with it as it comes.

TY all again - I really do appreciate each and every one of you.