File under: S*%t I never thought would happen to me

I've decided 2015 is absolutely out to get me.  Just not in the cards to be my year I guess.  But, silver linings, I guess it can only get better from here.  

So, I'll just put it out there.  I am officially separated.  I suppose that will come as a gut punch to those of you who know me / my family.  If you and I aren't very close you'll be shocked.  If you and I are very close you already know.  If you and I are extremely close you'll say it's about time I admitted this shit out there because I've been holding on to it for so damn long.  

The cliffsnotes version is that J and I have been in marriage counseling for over 14 months now.  I found out on my birthday (yes, isn't that a bitch?!) back in 2013 that something was up.   He got a text message that made me feel...........off.  Or actually, his response to said text did.  I had never ONCE in our entire relationship checked his phone.  Never thought I needed to.  But that day it went off in front of me, literally directly in front of me, so I glanced at it.   There wasn't a name that came up - it was more a code.  It said "Pain in the Ass" and I was like ummmmm ok.   But it was his reaction.  He took the phone off the counter and put it right in his pocket.   Huh??  I let it go.  But a couple of weeks later I did check his phone.   And I saw an exchange that made me sick to my stomach.   I didn't say anything at that point because it was the day before Aidan and Erynn's birthday party and I needed to hold my shit together.  I just emailed myself the phone number to my work email.   Come Monday morning I got the phone number and I started going through our cell phone bills.   Well, their "relationship" went back for two frigging years.   Awesome.  Texts at all hours of the day and night.  Phone calls.  Weekends, all day long, you name it - there it was - in black in white right in front of my face.  I was devastated.  I didn't know what to do with myself so I sat on it for a few more days.  Lost sleep, lost weight.  I finally confronted him again and he said she stole his number off of the roster and was a pain in the ass.  I said okay, well, now tell me the truth because I've gone through our phone bills and you have been carrying on with her for over TWO YEARS.   He just looked at me like a deer in headlights.  I burst into tears.   He swears nothing happened between them but he also refused to tell me what they talked about.  Says he doesn't remember.  Says he never told me about her because he didn't think I'd be okay with him having a female friend.  Bullshit.  That he didn't know how to have a female friend.  Bullshit. He's held onto this "story" for the last 14mon.   Meanwhile, I have held on to the disappointment, the sadness, the heartbreak and finally the anger.  To the point where I can't even look at him anymore.   I only told a VERY small amount of people what was going on months and months after the fact.  He walked around in the same world he had always lived in.   I slowly but surely started resenting him until I told my therapist I just couldn't do it anymore and that I really thought I was done.  That I needed him to move out.   She asked me WHY I was holding on to it and why I wasn't telling people.  That *I* wasn't the one who did anything wrong here and that I needed the support from my friends to help me.  She was right.  She asked if I thought I would be willing to be separated before I just called it quits.  I said ok.  So I talked to John the next day and told him that I think we should be separated.  I told him that I was so sick of living like this, that I was crying more often than not, that I was heartbroken and miserable.  I had walked around like a dick thinking we had a pretty good marriage while he had been carrying on for 2/3 of our daughter's life with some other woman.  

So, he's been out for two weeks now.  The first weekend was his weekend because I had a trip booked to Newport with my girlfriend for her birthday.  It was planned months ago.  It didn't feel any different for me because I was away.   This past weekend I had the kids.  He didn't even call ONCE to talk to them.  I called 2x per day EVERY day when I was gone.  I couldn't go one day without speaking to my kids.  Next weekend is my first weekend without the kids where I'll have to pack and leave my house.  I will not disrupt my kids so I'll be the one to leave.  They need to be kept in as regular a situation as possible.  I'll be moving in with my brother every other weekend.  They have a two bedroom apartment and they say they are very happy to be able to help me out after all the times I've helped them.  I'm happy I'll have someplace stable to go and I'll be with family.

Now comes the tough stuff.  I need to be really honest with myself and how I want to live because I REFUSE to be unhappy for the rest of my life.  I have been unhappy for far too damn long and I honestly don't know if I can get back to happy again here.  Things haven't been right for so long.  That's a tough frigging pill to swallow.  For right now I'm taking the time I need away and I'm going to do what I need to do.  The most important thing is that my kids and I are happy - this life is far too short.  End of.  

Well Happy F*cking New Year

I just have to say - if 2015 is going to suck in whole as it did for the first 5 days - I'm running away from home and I'm never coming back.

Well hi there, nice to see you again.  Yup, as usual I've fallen off the blogging tree but, I'm back.  Let's play catch up.

Haven't done the go without electronics for a day yet.  But I'm still on the cutting back plan.  Works for me.  While I've been gone Erynn turned 7 years old, Christmas came and went (the kids said it was their best ever.......good call on cutting back this year.......GO ME!  *pats self on back*) and Aidan turned 10.  Holy hell, how do I have a 10 year old?!   I have to say and I'm NOT tooting my horn here but.....I look at pics of myself back then and pics of myself now and I think I'm aging pretty damn well.   I give full credit to my kids for keeping me young.  Yup, it's all on them.  

Now.  Let's get down to why 2015 can go suck a giant f*cking goose egg.   Yup, it's sooooo good that I'm dropping F bombs like dollar bills.  This year really has been a shite one so far.   So, NYE my sister and her girlfriend came to visit.  Lucky me, I get to start my birthday by getting up at the crack to go pick them up at the airport.  Keep in mind, this is her FIRST visit home since "Emailgate 2012."  Or was it 2011?  I'm not even sure anymore but she hasn't been back to my house since.  Technically she still wasn't - I made her stay at a hotel because I'm only SO stupid you know.  Give me some credit, won't you?   I'm going to cliffnotes the hell that was most of the day.....carting her around to car rental place that didn't work out, back to my house, to hotel, back to another car rental.   You get the drift.  Typical drama that always occur when Cheryl comes to visit.   Now, mind you, we have 40-50 people coming over THAT NIGHT for our Annual NYE bash.   No big deal, of course we can cater to you Cheryl.  Absolutely.  *insert sarcasm*

She finally gets herself into hotel and promises she's going to be back to help me get ready for party.  Well, we know her and of course it ends up being bullshit.  She shows back up at 9:30p saying she overslept.  I'm sorry, you what now?   What-ever.   They stay for AN HOUR and go back to hotel.   GTFO of here, I can't even take it anymore.   Fine.  We have a great night anyway and honestly, I'm much better off without her drama.  Yay for DAY ONE of her visit.  

New Year's Day.  I finally get around to opening the few birthday cards that I got the night before.  One of my girlfriends gives me scratch tickets and HOLY SHIT, I hit for $1,000.   OMG what?!?!   I immediately put it into my work bag (which is on counter, next to fridge - keep that in mind) and ask John if he can cash it the next day.   (In MA, anything $1K or more has to be brought to the lottery office and cashed.)  Yup, no problem.   Next day, I go to get ticket.  It's GONE.   Um, wtduece?!   We rip the entire house apart.  Like APART.   Take in trash from NYE, go through everything possible.  My first thought is my sister b/c she is a klepto but she wasn't even at my house on New Year's Day at all so it couldn't have been her.   Or so I thought.  I'm going to cut this way back because I'm getting more and more pissed the more I rehash.   Flash forward to Saturday.  My brother comes by because he wants to talk.  Says he's having a crap couple of days - I say me too.  Tell him about lost ticket.  He asks what kind it was, I say I have no idea BUT I have a picture of it.  (Yup, flash back to Aidan telling me about the picture thing......I'm always taking pictures!  LOL)  He asks to see it - of course.   I show him.   He goes DEAD WHITE in the face and tells me he cashed it for Cheryl THE DAY BEFORE.    WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!   I said there's no way - she didn't know I got it and she wasn't even here.   He says she WAS here - when you guys were gone (we were gone for TWO hours!  TWO!!!!) she had me meet her here because she had to pick up some food she left here and then we went out to lunch.   OMG.   So, yes, you are reading this right.  My OWN SISTER broke into my house, went through my purse, found the scratch ticket and robbed me.   She then had our BROTHER cash the ticket for her.  (still not sure why she didn't just cash it herself.   won't ever know.)    I say no problem, I'll call her right now and get the money back.  She can't have spent it all.  Well, here is where KARMA got her.   My brother owed MA State Taxes from last year.  They were garnishing his paychecks but, since he had this lottery ticket, they took the rest of the money right then and there on the spot.   So the total he got out of the $1K was $274.  I am devastated.  I take a minute but then I call my sister and rip her a new one.  I tell her I don't care what the f*ck she does with the next two days of her visit, that I do NOT want her back in my house or near me, my children, my LIFE ever again.   That I'm done - this is my last straw.   I tell her that she is disgusting, that I am done trying, that after everything I have been through with her I cannot believe she would do this to ME.   She doesn't even try to deny, doesn't apologize, nothing.   I say goodbye and I give my brother the phone.  He basically says the exact same thing but lays into her about robbing her own sister and having the balls to involve HIM in it.   So, we're both done.   I've deleted her off of my FB account, I've blocked her, I am done.   There is NO coming back from this.   She didn't just rob from me, she stole from my FAMILY.   I can take hurt feelings, I can take when you do something to ME and recover.   But when you f*ck with my children?!  Oh no, you can go f*ck yourself now.   As I was asking some of my close friends to unfriend her on FB (because I don't want her having ANY access to me) they told me she spent the rest of her trip posting pics of her and Amanda captioning them with lovely things such as "Best trip home ever" and the like.   That's AMAZING.  You just lost what little family you had and that is how you react.  Good for you you f*cking psycho.  Game.  Over.   Enjoy the rest of your life alone.  I hope the $274 was worth it.

Next.........Jan 5th, first day back to work after a fantastic (except for that little debacle with my sister) THREE weeks of vacation.  I work a 13 hour day and then I head home.   Only to get into a frigging car accident.   My first EVER.   OMG.   I couldn't even believe it.   I got t-boned in a rotary.   Un-frigging-believable.   It took two weeks to get the car appraised and get the money ($4K worth of damage!) and now my poor car is in the shop.  I'll hopefully have it back by this Saturday and I'm PRAYING there are no ill side effects from the accident.   I love that car.   As for me - oh, you know - just a little whiplash.   I'm in PT for that now too - just add it to the list.   

So, that, THAT, my friends is why 2015 better just move on up from here on out.   If bad things come in 3's, I'm more than happy to have gotten mine over from the jump.  Please and thank you!