Happy Birthday Mom

Six years ago today I gathered your friends together, picked you up and took you out for a surprise birthday luncheon.  You were so surprised,
so happy.  Who knew that in just over a month you'd be gone.  That my heart would be broken.  That I'd have lost the only parent I'd ever had, my Mother AND my Father, my best friend.  The one I could go to when I needed to talk, cry, laugh, when I needed anything or when I needed nothing at all.....when I just wanted to be with my Mom.  Even though our roles had become reversed in the last several years of your life......it didn't matter to me.  You were my Mom and I would do anything for you.  Anything at all.

I have had the biggest hole in my heart ever since you left.  They say time heals all wounds.  I say they are wrong.  I can honestly say there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I miss you every single day.   Especially now that I have a daughter of my own.  Oh my, would you LOVE her.  You always told me you wanted me to have a daughter of my own and I'm so happy I do.  The crazy part is she reminds me SO much of you sometimes.  The way she cocks her hip, or stomps her little feet when she is walking through the house.  The way she'll look at me or talk to me.  I swear I hear you in her voice.  See you in her face.  She has your hands.  It sounds crazy but when we had our 18 week ultrasound both John and I said she looked just like you.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  I just wish you were here to see her too. 

We still talk about you all the time.  I want the kids to know who you are, even if they can't see you.  The boys have this same picture of you in their bedroom.  We look at your pictures, I tell them stories.  They ask questions, especially Aidan.  He is so curious.  I think it's the age.  We look at the book I had you fill out after he was born.  I'm so grateful for that book.  There are things in there that even I didn't know.  It's like having a piece of you around still.  I wish there were more.  They were so young when you left.  There aren't many pictures of you with them at all.  It breaks my heart.  I'm glad I at least got to tell you I was pregnant before you were gone.  I still remember your exact tone and you saying "That's woooooonderful" when I told you that you had to get better because you were going to be a Grandmother again.  If only you could have.  But less than a week later you were gone.  Some days it feels like you've been gone a lifetime.  Other days it feels like just minutes have passed and the pain is so fresh.  There are nights that I just sit in my room and cry.  I question everything.  I don't understand why you had to go so soon.  You were 60 years old.  You had so much living to do.  Why did you have to miss out on so much?  Selfishly speaking, why did I have to lose the only parent I ever had?  It was bad enough that I didn't have a father.....it's bad enough that I have to see him around town and know that he chooses not to be in my life.  Why did I have to lose you so soon?  It's not fair.  I know, I know, life isn't fair.  I try to pick myself back up again and get on with it.  Well, try isn't the right word.  I do pick myself back up again and get on with it because there's no time for pity.  Life goes on, it has to.  But days like today.....your birthday......and the anniversary of your passing are the worst days for me. 

I love you Mom.  I miss you every day.   Wherever you are, I hope you are celebrating your birthday in style.  I'll see you again someday.  Until then.....

Update on passing

4-23-07

First, I just want to say thank you to all of you for the kind msgs, emails and notes. I really appreciate your thinking of me during all of this. My Mom was the most amazing person in my life and this has been so hard for me. Knowing I had so many friends thinking of me and giving me support really helped - esp when so many ppl were counting on me to be the strong supportive one!

My Mom passed last Mon night. Her funeral was Friday morning. I honestly still don't think it has hit me. I haven't had a real cry yet - I'm still waiting for the breakdown. I had to hold it together for everyone else so I'm not really sure I know how to let it all go you know? Monday was esp tough. We had taken my Mom off life support and were waiting for her to pass. My sister was all stressed out (understandably) and had a seizure in the ICU. Well, b/c she had a seizure on hospital grounds they brought her to the ER. After her seizures she HAS to take meds b/c she gets a migraine. At the hosp she didn't get her migraine meds fast enough so the migraine induced another seizure. This time, when she woke up, she didn't remember anything. She thought it was 2004. Had no idea why we were at the hospital. That was really awful - how was I supposed to remind my sister that we were there to say goodbye to our Mother? I did though and we got through it.

Everyone has gone home now and life is "back to normal" whatever that means. I'm back to work so I'll be back online. I have a lot of catching up to do.

I do have some good news - but I will post that seperately.

TY again girls.

Shannon update 4-15-07

Hi girls,

My Mom just called me. Christine called her (my Mom is a nurse so she wanted to talk to her) and said that they are taking her Mom off life support tomorrow. I won't get into the details, but I just thought you all would want to know. Please keep the prayers coming for Christine, her Mom, and her family through this difficult time.

Shannon

(((HUGS))) and prayers, Christine. I'm here if you need me.

Update 4-13-07

I haven't been online in a few days so I wanted to come on and update you all.

My Mom is still on Life Support. She has had Dialysis the last four days in a row for 3.5 - 4hrs per session. As of today they have removed 25lbs of fluid from her body with the dialysis. Amazing. She is fully sedated b/c of the tubes down her throat (the ventilator and the feeding tube) so she isn't responsive at all but it's clearly for the best. I would never want her to remember this. Her kidney levels have improved, down from 5.7 to 3.5. Creatinine is what it is called I believe. A "normal" level is 1. But we are very happy w/her levels now - she has done SO well. My Mom's team of ICU docs are calling her the miracle lady.

When we left tonight the Dr's told us that MAYBE they could try extubating her tomorrow. Nothing definite and it depends on how she does tonight but to even hear them say that is HUGE. We are SO excited. My brother and sister are here - we flew them in on Tuesday - so I have my family with me. (of course I'm ready to ship my sister home yesterday but hey, what can I say? )

Thank you all SO much for your thoughts and prayers I honestly think they are making such a difference. My Mom has done such a great job so far and I think all of your prayers are helping. Please continue to pray for her!

Much and (((HUGS))) to ALL of you.

Update 4-11-07

Posted by Steph T

I talked to Christine briefly this morning.

Her mom is in critical condition. They are not sure how long she will ventilated. They are only taking it day by day. They MIGHT consider taking her off but not anytime soon b/c she has to be stabilized.

Please continue to keep them in your prayers.

Update from Shannon
I talked to Christine's DH John this afternoon and he said nothing had changed, but he would have Christine call me when she came out of her mom's room. I didn't hear back from her and that was 1pm today. I'm sure she is just really tired, overwhelmed, and busy there at the hospital. I'm hoping no news is good news.

Shannon update 4-10-07 Life Support

Posted by Shannon


Hi girls,

Christine just called me and let me know her Mom is on life support. My Mom, Katelyn, and I are heading up to say our good-byes now.

If you could please pray for Christine's Mom and Christine's family during this difficult time, I know she would appreciate it. Thanks.

Update 4-9-07

Could still use prayers if you don't mind.

My mom is still in the Intensive Care Unit. Her kidney specialist just called and said he is starting on Dialysis tonight. Things just aren't going the way he'd like to see them. She is getting IV Lasixs around the clock as well as boulis shots of it and it's just not helping to get as much liquid out as it should be. She is on the BiPap (breathing) machine every four hours. During the "breaks" from this machine she is still strapped up to oxygen with a nasal cannula and face mask. Her pulsox still doesn't get above 91%. Hopefully the pneumonia clears up soon and this will improve. She is going to be in the ICU for a while and the hospital even longer.

Thank you girls for being here I really appreciate it more than I can articulate.

Update 4-5-07

Just got home from the hospital. It's not great news.

My Mom is in Congestive Heart Failure, Renal failure, she has cellulitis in her left leg and she has pneumonia. They have her up in Intensive Care. She'll be there for a while the Dr says. When she was admitted to the hosp today her pulsox was in the low 70's. I almost fell over - it's supposed to be 95% and up! She is hooked up to a BiPap machine - it's essentially forcing her to breathe. They told me she is one step away from being intubated. I am praying that it doesn't come to that. If she can stay on the BiPap machine for the night they will try taking her off it and putting a regular oxygen mask on her face. If she tolerates that and keeps her pulsox off then that will be a step in the right direction. I had to sign a consent form to put a Central Line in her chest. If her BP stays down and her urine function continues to improve then they won't have to do it but they needed my consent just in case. (I am my Mom's Healthcare Proxy)

Would you girls mind saying a few more prayers for my Mom? I would really appreciate it.

TY

Enters hospital 4-5-07

I got a call from the nursing home this morning and my mom is in renal failure. Her blood tests were off the chart. They have admitted her to the hosp and I'm waiting to hear further.

Could you please say a prayer for my Mom? Thx girls.

After Stroke update 9-20-06

Morning girls,

Well, my mother is officially being transferred to a skilled nursing center today. So she'll be out of the hosp environment. Of course it's still a rehab/nursing center but it's less hospital like. She is very excited and is okay with the move. She'll have her own room which is KEY for her b/c of her age. She will have rehab twice a day as well.

My brother and I toured the place she is going to on Sunday and it's REALLY nice. It's called St. Joseph's Manor. My brother said he thought he'd be struck by lightening since it is a Catholic run place and there are crosses and the like all over the place lol. But it is very nice. They have a HUGE menu to choose from daily and are acoomodating with extra choices (huge for my Mom since she has been eating hosp food for the last 3 months) they have a lot of activites for them to do, a nice outside area to go and sit on good days, a chapel so she can start going back to Mass if she'd like. The BEST part - it's 15min tops from my house. Sinai was 40min! We found out about this place b/c my best friend's husband's aunt (got that??) is the Head of Nursing there and his grandparents each stayed there for a time. I feel comfortable with his reccommendation and after seeing it.

Hopefully this only means good things for my Mom!!!

Giving up 9-14-06

Hi girls - I just wanted to say hello and check in. DH is home tonight and is hanging w/Ryan so I have some time to myself.

Things with my Mom are going better. To make a REALLY long story short the issues that were going on with her is that she was trying to kill herself. She had stopped taking all food and all of her medications. My Mom has heart, kidney and blood pressure problems and Type II diabetes so it's very important for her to take her meds daily. She had also invoked a DNR which has NOT been anything she had wanted previously.

Things are MUCH better with her now. My brother and I, my husband, my kids, my FIL and my SIL have all banded together and pretty much bombarded her with our love and support. We have made her realize she has everything in this world to live for. I am very happy to report that she is eating again, taking her medication and participating in physical therapy again to get stronger.

I have been trying to keep up with posts and catch up with what I have missed. I still won't be on as often as before but hopefully I'll be back as much as possible soon.
I miss all of you and I wanted to say thank you for everything.

Stroke update 6-27-06

Hi girls, just wanted to do an update.

I'm not sure if I already posted or not but my Mom ended up having another stroke last week. The first stroke only effected her speech and the right side of her face but the second stroke has effected the entire right side of her body. Her speech is almost intelligible right now. She can't feed herself and has been put on a pureed food diet. She was originally in South Shore Hospital but Saturday they transferred her to Mass General in Boston. SSH felt they couldn't fully take care of my mother's needs.

Tests have showed that my mother's kidneys are not functioning properly but the Dr's have determined this is a preexsisting condition and they feel it's from the diabetes. She had a temporal biopsy done on Thursday and we are waiting for the results. This will show if my mother has an infection in her brain.

My Mom had me sign a healthcare proxy with her and we are filling out papers with a lawyer for power of attorney today. She wants to know that just in case anything happens I can take care of everything. I was so not prepared for this.

My Mom's caseworker called today and told us that my Mom will be discharged sometime this week but will be going straight to a Rehabilitation facility. She will need speech therapy and physical therapy. We're not sure how long she will have to stay so my brother is moving into her apartment and will take care of it until she can come home.

That's all for now.

Stroke update

Good news: my boob is MUCH better!! YAY!!!

Bad news: my Mom had another stroke this morning. The stroke she had on Sunday left almost no damage - just the slurring and the drooping on the right side. This second stroke caused the slurring to get MUCH worse and she has weakness on her right side as well. Also, to make matters worse, she is having a brain biopsy in the morning. Her neurologist thinks she has some kind of infection in her brain. I went to see her tonight and she wanted to sign her healthcare proxy just in case. One more thing to rest on my shoulders.

Sorry to post and run but DH is in class and I'm home alone w/the kiddos. Aidan is down for the night but I have to go pump. I'll come back and catch up in a little bit!

ER Trips (mom and me)

I swear girls, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have none at all.

My brother called me last night saying something was wrong with my Mom. He wanted me to listen to a vm my Mom left him so he came over and let me hear it. She sounded like she was absolutely shitfaced so I told him that we needed to go to her apt. I get there and I can clearly see the right side of her face is drooping and she is slurring her words terribly. I told her to get in the car that we were taking her to the ER. They did a CAT Scan and it turns out my Mom had a stroke. She is up on the cardiac care unit right now b/c they want to monitor her heart. 3 (or 4?) yrs ago my Mom had a quintuple bypass. All looks good there so she is going to be moved. They were doing an MRI on her today and she met with a neurologist as well and we're waiting for the results. I learned last yr that it takes 3 days for a stroke to run it's course and I'm thinking it began yesterday (thank God it wasn't earlier in the week) b/c today her slurring was MUCH more pronounced. I'm hoping it doesn't get worse by tomorrow. Please say a little prayer for my Mom if you can spare it!

The second trip: While we were at the hospital w/my Mom I missed a pumping time. By 12:30am I am in complete agony and I tell my brother I have to go home to pump and feed Ryan. Well, I pump 4oz and I feed him for 15min on top of that and I am still in more pain than I can remember being in in a long time. John makes me a rice sock and that doesn't help at all. I put hot compresses on and then cold - nothing. I am shivering and shaking uncontrollably. I tell John that I can't wait 6hrs for my midwife to open so he takes me to the ER. (SIL stayed w/the kids) Right before we left I took my temp and it was only 98.2 so I was hoping that meant I didn't have any infection. We get to the hosp (less than 10min later) they take my vitals and my temp is 100. They check me in and give me 3 Tylenol. Take my temp again in an hour and it's 100.5. Turns out I have Mastitis. My right boob is TWICE the size of my left and from 12:00 to 6:00 is hard as a rock. They put me on 500mg of an antibiotic, give me Motrin and tell me, as many of you already know, that the only way to clear it up is to keep pumping and feeding. Which I am doing.

SIL couldn't go to hospital today and asked John and I if we would take shifts but I couldn't even pick up my boys b/c of the pain so I volunteered to go all day. I spent the day bouncing back and forth between MIL, my Mom and pumping. I'm praying this gets better really quickly. I haven't been around to upload the NE GTG pics that I have but I will get them done soon. DH is at in service this week every night so I can only pop on for a min.

Thx for reading if you got this far!!

Update 6-13-05

It's been a long and horrible weekend girls.

First off - my MIL had a stroke. She has been in the hospital since 7am on Saturday morning. She has been diagnosed as an insulin dependant diabetic with high cholesterol and high blood pressure. Her undiagnosed Diabetes combined with her blood sugar level was what caused her stroke. It affected the left side of her body. She had another stroke while in the hospital yesterday morning. She's not doing so hot. Her left arm is still losing strength - not getting better. Her left foot involuntarily moves itself. When she talks she sounds like she is drunk. Right now the Dr says it looks like she is going to be in the hospital for like a month and then she'll go to Braintree Rehab (a local rehab center that she will live at). Dr's are also saying she is also going to have to retire. She is 55yrs old.

As if that wasn't enough I was at the hospital until 11pm last night with MY mother. We brought her to the emergency room. She has been diagnosed with Cellulitus. She has had it for a month (she says) and Dr says is lucky she didn't die. My brother went over there yesterday to bring her some soda b/c she was all out. Well he comes home and says he saw my Mom's leg (her GOOD leg at that - my Mom had to have her right leg amputated below the knee 2yrs ago) and it is all red, blistering and (sorry TMI) oozing. I was like WTF? So I went over and looked and it is disgusting. She has open sores all over the back of her leg that just have crap running out of it. I had to force her to go to the damn hospital. We get there and the nurse tells her she should have come in at least 5 days ago. Nice. So they bring her back to Urgent care and tell her she is going to have blood work, an IV and have her leg dressed. We were there for 6 hours. I hate the ER. She got her IV about 10:30pm. She had to go back in this am at 8am to get another dose of IV antibiotics and they had to do an Ultrasound on her leg to make sure there are no clots or anything. My brother took her in and we are waiting now for her to call so we can go pick her up when she is done.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I would very much appreciate your prayers right now.

(((HUGS)))